i don't have a good title for this mess

[delicatale]

There are parts of fandom I really don't understand. Oh, well.

Recs! Both codas for 2.01 so if you haven't seen it, wait before reading these. They're wonderful though, so do read them!

to hold on to by elandrialore. If you don't read everything she writes already you're missing out on pretty perfect fic. This one, though ♥.

and

half full by thegrrrl2002. It brought me to tears by being so right.

I wish I had that kind of talent, you guys. Go read!



I've never been the kind to have several fic projects on the go. I'd start a fic, focus on it, finish it, go to the next. I would also try not to bury myself under projects, because then I'd feel overwhelmed, scared.

But this fandom, I don't know. I have several fics started and not finished. I am signing up in the most random places, writing fics I never thought I'd write. And I do feel overwhelmed. I do feel scared, and I want everybody to hold my hand and tell me it's okay, that what I'm writing doesn't suck, that I can do it, come out on top. I don't feel like I can do it on my own, even when I want to, even when I try. On my own, I panic. This is why I post snippets and cling and am so needy. When it comes to this, I am not nearly as strong as I'd like to be. I am not confident about my writing, and this fandom is full of people with immense writing talent and I don't pretend I want to compete. I just want to be there, to be a part of it.

Now, I have several fics in the works/to be in the works soon, and I don't know where to turn to sometimes.

- Steve and his spinal cord injury and his surfboards and Danny and Grace and Mamo. It has now reached 7K, which feels like very little compared to the time I've been working on it. I'm reaching a state of mind where I just want to be done with it, even though I still don't want to rush it, and I still want to write it the right way, and tell the story how it deserves to be told. I don't know if it's any good.

- Steve and Danny thrown in the Terminator universe. Almost 3K, I give it my attention from time to time, in random bursts. It's not a lot of words but I feel like it's so much bigger in my head. There are so many things I didn't write (yet?) and I wonder if some should be written, or if people will make up their own images in their heads, if they need me to paint it out for them. I fiercely like some parts of it.

- 5-0 crashes a wedding. Case-fic complete with Catherine and silliness and making out in a broom cupboard for tailoredshirt. I love the idea I have for this even if I don't quite have the resolution sorted out (I was inspired by a s1 episode of Leverage), but I have not started it yet. I have moments of it written out in my head, I just need to know where to start and where to end it.

- The fic where Steve is an actual ninja and he spent a few years before joining the Navy, living and being trained by Shaolin monks in Tibet. When his mentor dies, he goes back to Tibet for the funeral and Danny follows him, under the excuse that he is worried Steve will start an international incident. I don't know about this one, you guys, because it sounds so cracky and yet it isn't at all in my head. And I have all these images in my head but I'd have to research so hard and it could fall flat, so I really. I really don't know.

So some of my friends, they have like, dozens of fics on the go and it works for them. I have 2 being written and 2 poking at my brain (I am not counting the WiPs/possible fics planned with sirona_gs though), and it already feels too much for me. Everyone's process is different, but I'm not used to this. I need handholding and reassuring and oh, wow, I am so annoying.

For your effort, have a beautiful screencap of Steve.

Comments

[zoronoa.livejournal.com]

I had to comment on this because seriously, you're too damn good to have such doubts about yourself! It makes me sad seeing that you're so unsure and scared about the stuff that you write because really, it's wonderful, amazing, breathtaking and so emotional, all of it. I have a list of fanfic authors that I check up on from time to time, some more than others, you have been on the top of that list since the first time I was linked here through thegrrrl2002's journal which is quite a while ago. I literally check your journal AT LEAST two times a day and I love all the stuff that comes from you, the rants, the ideas being thrown around and of course your beautiful stories.

That said, I've read through the Terminator/H50 crossover that you sent me, and oh. my. god. I really have to admire that you literally can make ANY AU situation seem plausible and even 'meant to be' (which is why I'm voting for a very BIG 'yes please and thank you' for the Ninja!Steve fic). The scene you've set is just so much like the feel of T4: Salvation. I love it. I whined, WHINED when the writing cut off, I was begging the screen to show me more. So far the only nitpicking I've found is a few spelling/grammar mistakes of which only amounted to about 4-5 in total.

Also, this comment is getting too long, but also just wanted to say 'Hi', I'm your artist for ZombieBigBang and yeah, totally already have about 5-6 artworks planned out, started 3, finished 2 already. See? This is what your writing inspires and I haven't even read the TEASER, let alone the story itself. And I'm sorry to bother you about it, but could you, perhaps in a PM, send me: The teaser (they didn't post it cause I claimed you immediately) and just a mention of some of the weapons Chin and Kono use in the fic.

[deepbluemermaid.livejournal.com]

FYI, the fic by elandrialore is flocked on LJ. I've just found the DW link here: http://elandrialore.dreamwidth.org/344517.html

[powrhug.livejournal.com]

When it comes to this, I am not nearly as strong as I'd like to be. I am not confident about my writing, and this fandom is full of people with immense writing talent and I don't pretend I want to compete. I just want to be there, to be a part of it.

For me it's that I'm not as strong as everyone seems to think I am. And I have this perverse way of insisting on writing the kinds of fic and pairings that get little notice. So it's kinda like "I'm going to write what I want to write when I want to write it, but then I'm going to feel validated in my feelings of maybe I'm not such a great writer when folks don't comment."

See? I'm all sorts of in need of therapy!

Take it from someone "old like me" darlin, the sooner you stop comparing yourself to others, the better. You are a talented writer who contributes a great deal to this fandom. On your own, being you. That's more than good enough.

[thegrrrl2002.livejournal.com]

::holds your hand::

It took me a long long time to get comfortable with having multiple fics going, and I still don't do it very often. Then again, I often write such short fics that I'm done with them in a day or two at most.

You already know how much I love your writing, you talented thing, you! You make it seem so effortless. And you have such a great take on Steve and Danny, they're so THEM. I'm always emotionally engaged in your stories and that is what really matters to me when it comes to fics.

And thank you for the rec, you are very sweet! ::smooches::

[iam-space.livejournal.com]

I would read all those (even Terminator, which I know next to nothing about) - I pounce on anything you write, hon. I don't know how much it helps to hear that, but there it is.

I know exactly what it's like to feel like you don't measure up, to check statistics incessantly, to worry worry worry about every little detail.

This is supposed to be fun though, you know? Write what you feel and inevitably your reader will feel what you write. :)

[tailoredshirt.livejournal.com]

I think you have to stop comparing yourself to other people. I do the same thing, especially since I've mostly been in huge fandoms with so many great writers that I felt like no one would notice so why even bother (H50 is the smallest fandom I've been in in a while). So I totally get it, but you just have to stop. It's paralyzing when all you can think about while you're writing is how someone else could be writing it better, that this fic won't get as many comments as someone else's, that other people are "better" so you might as well just not write it. Like, there is literally nothing that you can do except force yourself, no excuses, to turn off that voice in your head. You know people love your writing. They tell you every time you post a fic, and you get lots and lots of wonderful comments. But when you can't turn off that voice then it doesn't matter how many comments you get or how much people tell you you're a great writer, because you'll always need more. Comparing yourself to other people is only going to keep making you unhappy.

I say all of these things like I've conquered all of my insecurities, but you of all people know that's not true. I just have to tell myself every time that it's not doing me any good at all to entertain those insecurities. (Sometimes I forget to remind myself, which is why I assume everyone else needs reminding too.)

[gothikmaus.livejournal.com]

Every writer needs some hand-holding every now and then. For what it's worth, you're one of my favourite authors in the H50 fandom, I always read what you write no matter what (even if I can be quite bad at commenting sometimes).

Someone has already commented on how you shouldn't compare yourself to other people, but I don't think that's the point. I think we can always learn from other authors, just as long as we don't go "OMG, I'll never be able to be that good!" We just have to accept that each one of us has a different style and that fandom has a big heart, there's room for everyone in it. <3

Now, this makes me sound all wise, but I go "OMG, I'll never be able to be that good!" too, so. :P

[crossmymind.livejournal.com]

I think you're amazing at everything you write. I really, really do. You're definitely one of my favorite writers in the H50 fandom, so I definitely read everything you write and will continue to do so. ♥

And tailoredshirt's comment is so spot on when it comes to self doubt as a writer. It hit me hard too because I have the same fears and anxiety when it comes to writing, and even more so when it comes to posting where other people can actually read it. I have only posted fic publicly twice in this fandom, only a few times in other fandoms, and every time I just wanted to crawl into a hole and hide away. It's weird because when I'm writing for myself (which is what I do most of the time anyway) I can feel pretty confident, but when it comes to other people reading that writing, NEGATIVE ZERO CONFIDENCE. I think I need to print out tailoredshirt's comment and stick it up on my wall or something as a great reminder.

[evening-spirit.livejournal.com]

So you have doubts too? Really? I ask like it's unbelievable, lol, when in fact everyone sometimes needs a little cuddling, right? *cuddles*

I don't know you enough yet and have only read what you posted in the past month-or-so but I can, in all honesty, tell you that when I compare myself to you . . . Um, we're not supposed to do that . . . But what the heck! ;) I think you're a much better writer than me (and today admiting this doesn't get me down ;), so there. :)

[imaginarycircus.livejournal.com]

*holds your hand*

You can do this. Look at all of us over here in your corner. We've got your back and you rock. OK? No, seriously. I mean this. YOU ARE AWESOME!

Also what tailoredshirt said.

[gottalovev.livejournal.com]

i hear you, I barely can keep 2 stories going at the same time. Plus a couple of lingering ideas half written. but yeah. some people amaze me with the multitasking.

you do seem very confident, but if you need handholding and reassuring, there is no shame in asking for it. heck, we know the results will be fabulous, we're here to help :)

[sirona-gs.livejournal.com]

Okay, so I lied, friends?skip=380. But I muddled through! And found this, and okay, you already know I love you. But I do understand that you're having doubts. Believe me, all of us do. And like imaginarycircus said -- you have all of us in your corner. We have your back, babe. You are wonderful and fabulous and a brilliant, intuitive writer that I adore. AND SOON YOU WILL BE MINE AGAIN, AND I YOURS. I HAVE PLANS FOR US, YES I DO. MAINLY THEY INVOLVE HAVING ALLLLL THE FUN. <3<3<3

[stellarmeadow.livejournal.com]

You are a tremendously talented writer, never doubt that! You have such great ability for description and for pulling us into the emotions and the story without it feeling at all forced, and you excel at creating AUs where they are still totally them. From most people I might be a little wary of the ninja!Steve idea, but my first thought when I saw that was, "Oh that would be awesome!", because I have no doubt that in your talented hands it would be amazing!

I think we all feel like this sometimes, though--I'm usually just happy on the days where I feel like I'm one step above being a total hack. :)

[somehowunbroken]

You're an amazingly talented writer. I love the things you come up with, and your attention to detail really brings life to what you write. I've enjoyed pretty much everything of yours that I've read, and honestly, there's nothing I can think of off the top of my head that I'd change about any of your stories. You do an excellent job.

As for SCI Steve - I only read that first bit you sent to me and haven't seen it since, but I'll be glad to look at it again if you'd like. I thought the part you sent me was excellent. I love the way you handle Steve's emotions and his thought processes after getting injured. I've been in a place somewhat similar to the one you've placed him in - when I was 22, I went from fairly healthy to severely visually impaired pretty much overnight - so I can say with at least some accuracy that you've got the heart of it dead on.

I'm always willing to read anything through for you if you need a fresh look at it. That goes for anything from this fandom, even crossovers (I might not know the other source material, but I'm still willing to look at it from a story-structure standpoint). Please, please don't hesitate to ask me if you'd like a read-through. I'm a freelance writer, so I'm always around. :)

[clau-mol.livejournal.com]

I had to leave you a comment for two reasons, first and most importantly to tell you that you are an amazing writer, I have filters on my flist and you are one of the 5 that I have under my favorite writers because I know that anything that you and the other 4 write, I will love.
I hope all the others don't get me wrong, I love this fandom and I read as much as I can but there are always some that I can't be w/out and you are one of them =)

second, because I can totally relate to your insecurities, not exactly the same because I wish I could write like you. English is not my first language, I moved to Texas with my family when I was 13 and didn't know one word of English. I worked really hard in school to learn and finally in my senior year of high school I was allowed to have normal English classes instead of English as a second language and I had to take both the junior and senior English classes so I could go to college. To make a long story short, while in college I had a teacher that totally humiliated me in class. She was very annoying, in her early 40s or so and was more interested in getting attention from the male students than anything else. After a particular assignment, she gave me my essay back and told me that my English was not good enough for college level and that I needed to go to English as a second language classes. I felt devastated, I am hispanic and I do look like it. However, you wouldn't think so if you hear me speak, I worked really hard to not have an accent and many people have told me that they can't believe I was not born in the states because I have no "accent".

The teacher of the ESL classes in college told me that it was wrong for her to have send me there. All the other students really needed it because they hardly knew English. I passed all the test to be allowed in college and scored really good but that stupid teacher's words have hunt me all these years. I am actually afraid to write fics and share them here because all I hear is that teacher and to be honest, it's awful. But you are such a good writer, I honestly envy you, I wish I could write like you and many others around here.

I know that insecurities are hard to get rid off but in my opinion, you don't have anything to worry about ^__^

[springwoof.livejournal.com]

yay! how nice that you got all these comments that basically told you not to worry; we're rooting for you! Because, yes! No need to be scared when you have so much backup. Of course, none of us is Danny, but then again, (other than Danny himself) who is?

I love all your WIP ideas. They all sound fun and you'll do them wonderfully! It's a great idea of folks volunteering to alpha-read some of these so that you can basically have sounding boards for what they think will work or not. If you need another warm body for alpha-reading, or just plain ol' cheerleading, I hereby wave my little volunteery hand (I'll get those pompoms dusted off & ready if you need cheerleading for any story in particular, just point me at it.)

This is your hobby, eh? Relax, have fun with it. It's okay to be silly and cracky and not-perfect. You're still cool anyway. :D

[camshaft22.livejournal.com]

Hi. New here, came over from somehowunbroken and I think I might know you from other places. Anyhow.

The Ninja one sounds cracky, but I really, really, really think it could be serious. If you need handholding or cheerleading, I volunteer.