i don't have a good title for this mess

[delicatale]

There are parts of fandom I really don't understand. Oh, well.

Recs! Both codas for 2.01 so if you haven't seen it, wait before reading these. They're wonderful though, so do read them!

to hold on to by elandrialore. If you don't read everything she writes already you're missing out on pretty perfect fic. This one, though ♥.

and

half full by thegrrrl2002. It brought me to tears by being so right.

I wish I had that kind of talent, you guys. Go read!



I've never been the kind to have several fic projects on the go. I'd start a fic, focus on it, finish it, go to the next. I would also try not to bury myself under projects, because then I'd feel overwhelmed, scared.

But this fandom, I don't know. I have several fics started and not finished. I am signing up in the most random places, writing fics I never thought I'd write. And I do feel overwhelmed. I do feel scared, and I want everybody to hold my hand and tell me it's okay, that what I'm writing doesn't suck, that I can do it, come out on top. I don't feel like I can do it on my own, even when I want to, even when I try. On my own, I panic. This is why I post snippets and cling and am so needy. When it comes to this, I am not nearly as strong as I'd like to be. I am not confident about my writing, and this fandom is full of people with immense writing talent and I don't pretend I want to compete. I just want to be there, to be a part of it.

Now, I have several fics in the works/to be in the works soon, and I don't know where to turn to sometimes.

- Steve and his spinal cord injury and his surfboards and Danny and Grace and Mamo. It has now reached 7K, which feels like very little compared to the time I've been working on it. I'm reaching a state of mind where I just want to be done with it, even though I still don't want to rush it, and I still want to write it the right way, and tell the story how it deserves to be told. I don't know if it's any good.

- Steve and Danny thrown in the Terminator universe. Almost 3K, I give it my attention from time to time, in random bursts. It's not a lot of words but I feel like it's so much bigger in my head. There are so many things I didn't write (yet?) and I wonder if some should be written, or if people will make up their own images in their heads, if they need me to paint it out for them. I fiercely like some parts of it.

- 5-0 crashes a wedding. Case-fic complete with Catherine and silliness and making out in a broom cupboard for tailoredshirt. I love the idea I have for this even if I don't quite have the resolution sorted out (I was inspired by a s1 episode of Leverage), but I have not started it yet. I have moments of it written out in my head, I just need to know where to start and where to end it.

- The fic where Steve is an actual ninja and he spent a few years before joining the Navy, living and being trained by Shaolin monks in Tibet. When his mentor dies, he goes back to Tibet for the funeral and Danny follows him, under the excuse that he is worried Steve will start an international incident. I don't know about this one, you guys, because it sounds so cracky and yet it isn't at all in my head. And I have all these images in my head but I'd have to research so hard and it could fall flat, so I really. I really don't know.

So some of my friends, they have like, dozens of fics on the go and it works for them. I have 2 being written and 2 poking at my brain (I am not counting the WiPs/possible fics planned with sirona_gs though), and it already feels too much for me. Everyone's process is different, but I'm not used to this. I need handholding and reassuring and oh, wow, I am so annoying.

For your effort, have a beautiful screencap of Steve.

Comments

[zoronoa.livejournal.com]

I had to comment on this because seriously, you're too damn good to have such doubts about yourself! It makes me sad seeing that you're so unsure and scared about the stuff that you write because really, it's wonderful, amazing, breathtaking and so emotional, all of it. I have a list of fanfic authors that I check up on from time to time, some more than others, you have been on the top of that list since the first time I was linked here through thegrrrl2002's journal which is quite a while ago. I literally check your journal AT LEAST two times a day and I love all the stuff that comes from you, the rants, the ideas being thrown around and of course your beautiful stories.

That said, I've read through the Terminator/H50 crossover that you sent me, and oh. my. god. I really have to admire that you literally can make ANY AU situation seem plausible and even 'meant to be' (which is why I'm voting for a very BIG 'yes please and thank you' for the Ninja!Steve fic). The scene you've set is just so much like the feel of T4: Salvation. I love it. I whined, WHINED when the writing cut off, I was begging the screen to show me more. So far the only nitpicking I've found is a few spelling/grammar mistakes of which only amounted to about 4-5 in total.

Also, this comment is getting too long, but also just wanted to say 'Hi', I'm your artist for ZombieBigBang and yeah, totally already have about 5-6 artworks planned out, started 3, finished 2 already. See? This is what your writing inspires and I haven't even read the TEASER, let alone the story itself. And I'm sorry to bother you about it, but could you, perhaps in a PM, send me: The teaser (they didn't post it cause I claimed you immediately) and just a mention of some of the weapons Chin and Kono use in the fic.

[deepbluemermaid.livejournal.com]

FYI, the fic by elandrialore is flocked on LJ. I've just found the DW link here: http://elandrialore.dreamwidth.org/344517.html

[delicatale.livejournal.com]

♥. I am terribly bad at explaining myself, and saying thank you, and accepting compliments, but you have no idea how much this touches me. I am so glad you liked what I've got for the Terminator crossover, seriously! It means the world to me, every person that reads and enjoys my writing, it's enormous and I am so thankful. Seriously, you have no idea.

As for the Zombiebang, I can share the unbetaed story with you! Chin and Kono do not appear in the story, though, it's only Steve and Danny.

[delicatale.livejournal.com]

Ooooh, thanks. Have edited!

[zoronoa.livejournal.com]

Just know that I have read and enjoyed every single one of your fics and I'm such a big fan, you have NO idea. Just, GAH, I can't even explain how much I wish I had just a tiny speck of your talent, truly!

Ah, well, that kinda cuts down on the art a bit with them not being there, but maybe not, I've had another snippet idea in my mind, which would seriously be helped by knowing what happens in the story. But I'd almost rather wait with the story. The anticipation will almost kill me, yet it'll be so worth it, I can tell. However, if you have a section in the story that you're particularly fond of, send it my way (on Gmail) and I'll see if I can make something! Which brings me to: would you like a small preview of what I have made so far?

[delicatale.livejournal.com]

Aaaaahhh, I have emailed you! I hope it's the right email address ^_^

[zoronoa.livejournal.com]

Hmmm, haven't received it yet, did you use the same address that you used to send the terminator fic? (zoronoaz @ gmail . com)

[delicatale.livejournal.com]

I forgot the z at the end! Done.

[tailoredshirt.livejournal.com]

"unbetaed"

[delicatale.livejournal.com]

Well it still needs some work. I corrected a typo re-reading it. ♥.

[powrhug.livejournal.com]

When it comes to this, I am not nearly as strong as I'd like to be. I am not confident about my writing, and this fandom is full of people with immense writing talent and I don't pretend I want to compete. I just want to be there, to be a part of it.

For me it's that I'm not as strong as everyone seems to think I am. And I have this perverse way of insisting on writing the kinds of fic and pairings that get little notice. So it's kinda like "I'm going to write what I want to write when I want to write it, but then I'm going to feel validated in my feelings of maybe I'm not such a great writer when folks don't comment."

See? I'm all sorts of in need of therapy!

Take it from someone "old like me" darlin, the sooner you stop comparing yourself to others, the better. You are a talented writer who contributes a great deal to this fandom. On your own, being you. That's more than good enough.

[iam-space.livejournal.com]

the sooner you stop comparing yourself to others, the better. You are a talented writer who contributes a great deal to this fandom. On your own, being you. That's more than good enough.

So much easier said than done, but THIS.

[thegrrrl2002.livejournal.com]

::holds your hand::

It took me a long long time to get comfortable with having multiple fics going, and I still don't do it very often. Then again, I often write such short fics that I'm done with them in a day or two at most.

You already know how much I love your writing, you talented thing, you! You make it seem so effortless. And you have such a great take on Steve and Danny, they're so THEM. I'm always emotionally engaged in your stories and that is what really matters to me when it comes to fics.

And thank you for the rec, you are very sweet! ::smooches::

[delicatale.livejournal.com]

It's a shame that you feel that way because you tend to write less popular pairings. I'm sure, as the show grows and the fandom grows, there will be more people into it. It's not because it gets less comments that the problem is your writing, it's just. What you want to read and write is not as common as Steve/Danny, and that's the only reason why!

[iam-space.livejournal.com]

I would read all those (even Terminator, which I know next to nothing about) - I pounce on anything you write, hon. I don't know how much it helps to hear that, but there it is.

I know exactly what it's like to feel like you don't measure up, to check statistics incessantly, to worry worry worry about every little detail.

This is supposed to be fun though, you know? Write what you feel and inevitably your reader will feel what you write. :)

[delicatale.livejournal.com]

I wish I could achieve that, I really do!

[delicatale.livejournal.com]

If they were short, it'd be easier! But all of these would be quite consequent, so that's why I'm so hesitant.

♥ thank you. Means the world to me, considering how much I love your writing and characterization!

[tailoredshirt.livejournal.com]

I think you have to stop comparing yourself to other people. I do the same thing, especially since I've mostly been in huge fandoms with so many great writers that I felt like no one would notice so why even bother (H50 is the smallest fandom I've been in in a while). So I totally get it, but you just have to stop. It's paralyzing when all you can think about while you're writing is how someone else could be writing it better, that this fic won't get as many comments as someone else's, that other people are "better" so you might as well just not write it. Like, there is literally nothing that you can do except force yourself, no excuses, to turn off that voice in your head. You know people love your writing. They tell you every time you post a fic, and you get lots and lots of wonderful comments. But when you can't turn off that voice then it doesn't matter how many comments you get or how much people tell you you're a great writer, because you'll always need more. Comparing yourself to other people is only going to keep making you unhappy.

I say all of these things like I've conquered all of my insecurities, but you of all people know that's not true. I just have to tell myself every time that it's not doing me any good at all to entertain those insecurities. (Sometimes I forget to remind myself, which is why I assume everyone else needs reminding too.)

[delicatale.livejournal.com]

It does help - I don't like fishing out for love, I feel pretty stupid doing it, but then again, it helps. I am so thankful every person enjoying what I write, I swear. ♥♥♥♥

That's the thing - in the end, it is really fun, and I love being a part of this fandom, so much! Write what you feel and inevitably your reader will feel what you write. - I like that ^_^.

[tailoredshirt.livejournal.com]

Man, a whole typo. Yeah, I can see why you'd consider that unbetaed!

[delicatale.livejournal.com]

You know, when I started writing this entry I didn't mean for it to turn so melodramatic and self-centered. I just wanted to talk about the fic ideas, you know? And it kinda crumbled all over me. And I know, that's the thing, I know people enjoy what I'm writing, and I feel like an idiot asking for more, but sometimes, when I have a fic opened and I can't seem to make my words work, I just fall apart. And you know how many doubts I have about sci!Steve already, it's just so hard sometimes.

Hey pot, my name's kettle, let's remind each other.

[delicatale.livejournal.com]

I know, right! I also changed a few words here and there! I am quite happy with how it turned out, really. It's the most ridiculous fic that ever ridiculed. Also, my artist is fantastic, I am excited!

[tailoredshirt.livejournal.com]

I wasn't criticizing you for having insecurities. I just know from lots of experience that it doesn't matter how much encouragement you get, at the end of the day you just have to decide for yourself that you are good enough, but even if you aren't then fuck it all, you're still going to write it anyway because you want to. About a year ago I had this epiphany that, you are a bad writer...but that's okay. Like, it was the most freeing thing I've ever felt. It just let me put my ego aside for a while so that I wasn't doubting myself all the time, wasn't comparing myself to other people. It let me start in a place where I felt like the only place I could go is up, and I could practice and teach myself to get better, and I could let myself make mistakes. I actually need to get back to that place again. When you put this pressure on yourself to be perfect, it stops being fun and it starts getting hard. And it is hard to put the insecurities aside but I think that's why you just have to tell yourself that you're not going to think about those things. Force yourself, fake it til you make it.

I am always here to be reminded and do the reminding.

[powrhug.livejournal.com]

Oh definitely, the logical part of me gets that. But unfortunately, I'm not all logic...not all the time anyway! =D

And I really honestly love Danny/Steve and love writing them. So when I'm feeling too need, I just write some of that. All's good!

[delicatale.livejournal.com]

Oh, I know you weren't. I didn't take it that way at all. And you make a lot of sense, it's just hard to forget about this whole ego business.