Writing blabbers and all the words
Nov. 7th, 2011 01:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
delicataleI want to be a writer. I want to be able to say "I'm a writer". Once upon a time I wanted to be J.K. Rowling - not for the fame, but for the talent, and for the love she cultured and grew with her fans and HP fans.
I still want to write the story, the one that moves and gets people all over writing about it. In a smaller scale, in fandom, I want to write that story that people remember, that makes people feel, laugh, cry, want, cherish. I want to be special, to be unique at this.
As it is, I'm not. I'm an average fanfiction writer, and I know what I'm doing but I've not been trained on it - I go with my gut, and sometimes it's enough, but I feel like it could be so much more, I want it to be so much more. I want to learn about it, make myself better at it, maybe someone a little special, a little unique.
A while ago, I toyed with the idea of doing this course, but quickly had to put the idea in a little box and hide it under the rest of my life, pretend I could forget about it, because thing is - I can't afford it. As much as I want to do it, I'm in this stage in life where I have bills to pay and a need for material things and travels that keep me from saving a lot of money. I know I could do it, but at the moment it's too hard, and too disheartening, and I simply refuse to lean on my family for this. My parents cannot afford it any more than I do, and I'm too attached to my monetary independence, so fucking hard-earned.
So, that's out of the question for the moment. But it doesn't mean I have to give up, right? It doesn't mean I failed this, too. As I told![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
sirona_gs this morning, words are the only thing that really have stuck with me through my whole life. I've never been good at anything in particular. I tried music and failed, I tried science and failed, I tried design and failed. But my words, even though I have a hard time expressing myself so often, my words have always been there. And they've not always been good, but I've been shaping them, and myself, for so long now, they're part of my very being, they're part of how I let go of feelings I can't quite express, they're helping me go through my life, day by day, by being this outlet, private or not, this place where I can just pour myself out into characters and their lives.
My words are the only that I've never failed. When I was bullied in high school, I wrote emo, angsty stories that nobody ever would ever read, but it helped. When I lost my first important boyfriend, I wrote a song that a dear friend of mine then took and put melody to and sung, just for me, a little recording over a computer mic, something special and private to the two of us. When I first discovered fandom, it was an escape to a life I hated, into the life of characters that didn't necessarily have it better, but had the courage to do something about it.
And I think that's how it began - the dream to be able to do this, to create something that could bring people together, make them feel better about their own lives, find friends that mean more than words can say. That's why I wanted to be J.K. Rowling, too.
It's like - a reason to go on, right? I want to do this. I want to get better, to get amazing, above average and nothing special, just one author in a midst of authors. I want to push myself and make myself this special, unique person. And, okay, I can't afford taking a class just now, but I can buy a book and help myself, can't I? So I have. Maybe it won't change anything, but at least it's a start.
And you know what? This discovery, and this work I'm doing on myself, to get some balls and get to what I want, I owe it to you guys. I owe it totheellibu and stjarna1984, my two best friends, that are more of an inspiration to me than they'll ever realise, and I owe it to sirona_gs, and to tailoredshirt, and the rest of you, because you make me want to write you the best stories and surpass myself, time and time again.
I still want to write the story, the one that moves and gets people all over writing about it. In a smaller scale, in fandom, I want to write that story that people remember, that makes people feel, laugh, cry, want, cherish. I want to be special, to be unique at this.
As it is, I'm not. I'm an average fanfiction writer, and I know what I'm doing but I've not been trained on it - I go with my gut, and sometimes it's enough, but I feel like it could be so much more, I want it to be so much more. I want to learn about it, make myself better at it, maybe someone a little special, a little unique.
A while ago, I toyed with the idea of doing this course, but quickly had to put the idea in a little box and hide it under the rest of my life, pretend I could forget about it, because thing is - I can't afford it. As much as I want to do it, I'm in this stage in life where I have bills to pay and a need for material things and travels that keep me from saving a lot of money. I know I could do it, but at the moment it's too hard, and too disheartening, and I simply refuse to lean on my family for this. My parents cannot afford it any more than I do, and I'm too attached to my monetary independence, so fucking hard-earned.
So, that's out of the question for the moment. But it doesn't mean I have to give up, right? It doesn't mean I failed this, too. As I told
sirona_gs this morning, words are the only thing that really have stuck with me through my whole life. I've never been good at anything in particular. I tried music and failed, I tried science and failed, I tried design and failed. But my words, even though I have a hard time expressing myself so often, my words have always been there. And they've not always been good, but I've been shaping them, and myself, for so long now, they're part of my very being, they're part of how I let go of feelings I can't quite express, they're helping me go through my life, day by day, by being this outlet, private or not, this place where I can just pour myself out into characters and their lives. My words are the only that I've never failed. When I was bullied in high school, I wrote emo, angsty stories that nobody ever would ever read, but it helped. When I lost my first important boyfriend, I wrote a song that a dear friend of mine then took and put melody to and sung, just for me, a little recording over a computer mic, something special and private to the two of us. When I first discovered fandom, it was an escape to a life I hated, into the life of characters that didn't necessarily have it better, but had the courage to do something about it.
And I think that's how it began - the dream to be able to do this, to create something that could bring people together, make them feel better about their own lives, find friends that mean more than words can say. That's why I wanted to be J.K. Rowling, too.
It's like - a reason to go on, right? I want to do this. I want to get better, to get amazing, above average and nothing special, just one author in a midst of authors. I want to push myself and make myself this special, unique person. And, okay, I can't afford taking a class just now, but I can buy a book and help myself, can't I? So I have. Maybe it won't change anything, but at least it's a start.
And you know what? This discovery, and this work I'm doing on myself, to get some balls and get to what I want, I owe it to you guys. I owe it to
theellibu and stjarna1984, my two best friends, that are more of an inspiration to me than they'll ever realise, and I owe it to sirona_gs, and to tailoredshirt, and the rest of you, because you make me want to write you the best stories and surpass myself, time and time again.
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no subject
Date: 2011-11-07 05:14 pm (UTC)6 months in H50 and look how many stories you've written! :) That's one more thing I envy you -- you have all that time to hone your skills and, well, you are ten years younger than me. :) I used to dream about becoming professional published writer, now I'm only hoping that fanfic world will recognize me. Oh, well.
Are you writing some original stories too? Or is it only fanfic?
no subject
Date: 2011-11-07 05:23 pm (UTC)Anything could happen, at any time. I always think that if you've got the will you'll find a way. And I think fandom, and fanfic, can be so rewarding - more rewarding than getting published in a small way and only reach a few people can be, I believe. So it's not all that bad!
No, I only write fanfic. I used to dabble in original fiction, but it's - much more time consuming.
no subject
Date: 2011-11-07 05:40 pm (UTC)Oh, BTW, I love AUs. ;) There's this one in five0bang right now that makes me regret I didn't sign up as an artist. *sigh* But maybe that's better for the author. ;)
no subject
Date: 2011-11-07 05:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-11-07 07:24 pm (UTC)I'd rather see some hard-core sci-fi but there's no such things anywhere anymore.
no subject
Date: 2011-11-07 07:25 pm (UTC)