Medals and scars; PG; ~750 words
Oct. 6th, 2011 01:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
delicataleSo, another coda for 2.03, for another thing that's been bothering me. It's been written, in different ways, but I still needed to get it out. Thanks to ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
stjarna1984 for the read-through. Set after the very last scene of the episode.
Danny sits, looks at the ocean, and doesn’t say anything about the images superimposing themselves over the slow ebb and flow of the waves. Flashes of light in night-vision; flares of guns being fired, mixing and melting in the water, imprinted on Danny’s eyelids, his skin, making him feel dirty, wrong, somehow. He feels goosebumps rise on his arms, doesn’t turn when Steve sits next to him.
“You know, when I grilled you about Operation Strawberry Field.”
“Danny...”
“I don’t want to know. I don’t ever want to know. Don’t ever tell me, okay?”
He turns, then, looks at Steve, feeling ready to beg, to fall to his knees in front of Steve and bury his face in Steve’s thigh, beg for him to never show Danny that side of him again, for Danny’s sake, for Grace - Grace, the reminder makes Danny want to stick matches in his eyes so he’ll never have to see these images stuck to his eyelids ever again.
“Okay.”
Danny clenches his jaw, trying to understand exactly how he’s feeling, through the irrational anger, how much sense it doesn’t make, all of this, his idea of Steve, what he knows of Steve, and this raid they witnessed a few hours ago. And he wonders how much of Steve’s energy it requires for him to function in normal society, how much it takes out of him to walk and talk and smile through this life. How much of it he fakes, how much of his stupid big heart was ripped out of him through training and classified missions.
“Does Five-0 make you proud?”
Because Danny doesn’t want to know if anything Steve did before makes him proud. He wants to know if what he does now makes it worth it for him to wake up in the morning, without the drills and the orders and the habits. He doesn’t want to know if Steve feels guilty about it, because Danny can be an asshole sometimes but that simply wouldn’t be fair, to either of them. He doesn’t want to know if Steve regrets it, but he wants to know if he misses it.
Steve rolls his shoulders, his head tipped up to the night sky. He looks like he’s trying not to blink, like he can see the images behind his eyelids like Danny.
“We do a good job. We do something important.”
“Not what I asked.”
“Yeah. Yes, Danny, I’m proud of what we do. I don’t know what you want me to say.”
Danny leans forward, elbows on his knees. “I want you to tell me that this - thing that happened this afternoon, I want you to tell me it’s not who you are any more. No, not that, I want you to tell me it’s not all of you any more. I know it’ll always be a part of you,” and he doesn’t say that he blames John McGarrett more than anyone else for this, because he doesn't blame Steve for it, and it's another unfair thing to say. “All I want to know is that you’re not only a SEAL but also a - a cop, these days.”
Steve blows out a breath, running a hand over his face before reaching out, his fingers closing around Danny’s index and middle fingers, something so innocent about the touch Danny’s eyes water.
“I could have gone back, after we got Hesse. I didn’t, did I? You’re right, it’ll always be a part of me, but it doesn’t have to define me. I’m medals and scars, Danny. I wear them day in, day out, I can’t change it, and I don’t want to. But now I’m also a cop, and I’m your partner, and maybe, someday, you’ll deem me good enough to be a step-father.”
Danny gives Steve a fond look, a little exasperated, tension bleeding out of his shoulders; he couldn’t question Steve’s devotion to Grace even if he wanted to. He frees his fingers from Steve’s hold, and reaches out, wrapping his hand around the back of Steve’s neck, hair tickling his fingertips.
“You already are. But don’t tell her about today, okay? Don't tell her about Strawberry Field, either. She doesn't need to know. She already knows you as you are, Steve.”
Not just as medals and scars.
stjarna1984 for the read-through. Set after the very last scene of the episode.Danny sits, looks at the ocean, and doesn’t say anything about the images superimposing themselves over the slow ebb and flow of the waves. Flashes of light in night-vision; flares of guns being fired, mixing and melting in the water, imprinted on Danny’s eyelids, his skin, making him feel dirty, wrong, somehow. He feels goosebumps rise on his arms, doesn’t turn when Steve sits next to him.
“You know, when I grilled you about Operation Strawberry Field.”
“Danny...”
“I don’t want to know. I don’t ever want to know. Don’t ever tell me, okay?”
He turns, then, looks at Steve, feeling ready to beg, to fall to his knees in front of Steve and bury his face in Steve’s thigh, beg for him to never show Danny that side of him again, for Danny’s sake, for Grace - Grace, the reminder makes Danny want to stick matches in his eyes so he’ll never have to see these images stuck to his eyelids ever again.
“Okay.”
Danny clenches his jaw, trying to understand exactly how he’s feeling, through the irrational anger, how much sense it doesn’t make, all of this, his idea of Steve, what he knows of Steve, and this raid they witnessed a few hours ago. And he wonders how much of Steve’s energy it requires for him to function in normal society, how much it takes out of him to walk and talk and smile through this life. How much of it he fakes, how much of his stupid big heart was ripped out of him through training and classified missions.
“Does Five-0 make you proud?”
Because Danny doesn’t want to know if anything Steve did before makes him proud. He wants to know if what he does now makes it worth it for him to wake up in the morning, without the drills and the orders and the habits. He doesn’t want to know if Steve feels guilty about it, because Danny can be an asshole sometimes but that simply wouldn’t be fair, to either of them. He doesn’t want to know if Steve regrets it, but he wants to know if he misses it.
Steve rolls his shoulders, his head tipped up to the night sky. He looks like he’s trying not to blink, like he can see the images behind his eyelids like Danny.
“We do a good job. We do something important.”
“Not what I asked.”
“Yeah. Yes, Danny, I’m proud of what we do. I don’t know what you want me to say.”
Danny leans forward, elbows on his knees. “I want you to tell me that this - thing that happened this afternoon, I want you to tell me it’s not who you are any more. No, not that, I want you to tell me it’s not all of you any more. I know it’ll always be a part of you,” and he doesn’t say that he blames John McGarrett more than anyone else for this, because he doesn't blame Steve for it, and it's another unfair thing to say. “All I want to know is that you’re not only a SEAL but also a - a cop, these days.”
Steve blows out a breath, running a hand over his face before reaching out, his fingers closing around Danny’s index and middle fingers, something so innocent about the touch Danny’s eyes water.
“I could have gone back, after we got Hesse. I didn’t, did I? You’re right, it’ll always be a part of me, but it doesn’t have to define me. I’m medals and scars, Danny. I wear them day in, day out, I can’t change it, and I don’t want to. But now I’m also a cop, and I’m your partner, and maybe, someday, you’ll deem me good enough to be a step-father.”
Danny gives Steve a fond look, a little exasperated, tension bleeding out of his shoulders; he couldn’t question Steve’s devotion to Grace even if he wanted to. He frees his fingers from Steve’s hold, and reaches out, wrapping his hand around the back of Steve’s neck, hair tickling his fingertips.
“You already are. But don’t tell her about today, okay? Don't tell her about Strawberry Field, either. She doesn't need to know. She already knows you as you are, Steve.”
Not just as medals and scars.
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Date: 2011-10-06 01:00 pm (UTC)This.
Best Danny reaction I've read so far (and I've been looking).
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Date: 2011-10-06 01:17 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2011-10-06 02:36 pm (UTC)Loved this!
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Date: 2011-10-06 02:50 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2011-10-06 03:00 pm (UTC)Oh, my heart.
A wonderful piece! ♥
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Date: 2011-10-06 03:07 pm (UTC)There's...A lot I could say about this, all of it good, but I think I'll just go with: this is my favorite.
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Date: 2011-10-07 01:47 am (UTC)Thank you!
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