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delicatalePart I
They open Steve’s little hut on Waikiki beach on a Friday morning. There’s no party and no fuss about it, just the promise of a date with Danny to celebrate in the evening, and the closest thing he’s got to a family roaming around the repair-and-shape shop Steve is now the owner of, along with Mamo.
Kono is the first one to come in, but Danny manages to be Steve’s first client, walking in with his stick under one arm and Grace holding his free hand.
“I got a ding.”
Grace grins proudly at her father as Steve wheels himself to them, holding his hands out for the board. “I taught him that word.”
“Nice work, Gracie! Okay, let me see that.”
It’s just a small bump on the side of the deck, easy enough to take care of. “Right, I can take care of this today. Give your board back to you tonight?”
Danny grins, looking around the hut for a minute. “Sure, sounds good. I need to get this little one to school, now, but we wanted to say hi, and congratulations.”
“Thank you.” Steve leans over when Grace reaches out for him, giving him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Steve smiles at Danny over her head, wanting to kiss him, too, to spend a while in the backroom making out like teenagers. He reigns it in as Danny squeezes his shoulder before both he and Gracie say their goodbyes, passing Mamo on their way out.
It’s the same kind of whirlwind all day. Alan and Chin get introduced to each other as they walk in to give Steve their luck, Kawika gives Steve a whole lot of business right away, admitting he’s told his Kapu to come here if they can, and a whole slew of people he’s helped with their boards in the past come in and out. Mamo stays around, helps Steve get even more customers by giving him his stamp of approval so clearly, and when the day starts to slow down, Mamo sits next to Steve outside the shop, looking out at the ocean and the sun starting to burn through it.
“Enjoyed your first day?”
“Yes, I really did. Look, Mamo...I didn’t tell you thank you yet. But - thank you. For everything.”
Words crowd Steve’s mouth but he can’t get them out, thank you for acting like a father to me, thank you for helping me find a life again, thank you for keeping me from hating myself. All sorts of thank yous Steve can’t say, can only hope Mamo understands. Mamo smiles.
“He mea iki, brah. You deserve it.”
;;
Steve is pleasantly buzzing with beer and two glasses of bourbon when Danny broaches the subject Steve keeps on thinking of. They’d gone out for dinner at Kamekona’s shrimp truck, because they’re classy like that, and then retreated to Danny’s flat, who lives closer than Steve. He put some Springsteen on, and cracked open the liquor.
“So. I have a question for you, and I don’t want you to get embarrassed or uncomfortable, okay? Which is why I am attempting to get you drunk right now; I feel like it might be easier. But also, we are two grown ups and we should be able to talk about this.”
Steve raises an eyebrow, taking another sip of bourbon.
“What is it?”
Danny leans closer, elbows on his knees and his eyes open wide, beautiful and earnest. “Can you have sex?”
Steve’s brain stalls. But then he shakes the feeling of helplessness away, looking back at Danny, wanting to have this conversation.
“Technically. I haven’t - since the accident. It’s...I don’t really know.”
“Okay. Can you still have reflex erections? Like, if I was to touch you now, would you get hard for me?”
There is something almost uncomfortable in the conversation, as Danny’s words don’t seem to be in the purpose of arousing Steve, and yet the images make warmth flutter in his stomach all the same.
“Yes. How do you even know about reflex erections?”
“What do you think? I have read about this, Steve, because I want to have sex with you, but I gathered that it might not be as easy as it should be, and I didn’t want to approach this blindly.”
“So, you’re saying, you’ve read about my injury and what it did to my body, and yet, you still want to have sex with me?”
Steve feels his mouth dry out as Danny gives him an indulgent smile, his hand reaching out to cup Steve’s face, thumb brushing along Steve’s cheekbone.
“Yes. I don’t have a problem with your injury, Steve. It doesn’t change anything that I’m feeling. For you. And I want you. Fuck, I’ve wanted you since the moment we met.”
Steve doesn’t really know what to say in answer, so he just turns his head, just enough for his lips to catch Danny’s palm, and his ears pick up the sharp intake of breath from Danny. Steve hopes that it’s enough to tell Danny he wants him, too.
“Okay. Okay, so. We can make this work, right?”
“The least we can do is try,” Steve says, and he’s smiling, and not even really scared. And when Danny reaches out, kisses Steve, Steve forgets about everything else than Danny’s mouth on his, the want spreading through his upper body.
Somehow they end up on Danny’s bed, both shirtless and breathless, Danny sprawled on top of Steve, Steve allowing his hands to roam all over Danny. They turned the lights off at some point, for which Steve is grateful, all too conscious of how his body looks nowadays; his back a map of scars he doesn’t want anyone to see, his legs losing their muscle mass, his skin sore in places. It doesn’t seem to bother Danny, though, who’s touching him everywhere, feather-like touches that make Steve groan.
Danny pulls away, resting his forehead against Steve as he pants, his eyes closed. Steve can’t stop looking.
“I - I want this to be good, for you. I really do, but I don’t know what you feel, or don’t feel. So please, please, talk to me, okay?”
Steve nods, his forehead still pressed against Danny, and leans his chin up to be able to kiss him again, lightly, as he feels Danny’s hands travel down his chest, igniting fires all along, and Steve wants to roll his hips as he hears his jeans being opened, doesn’t feel it. Danny breaks the kiss, trailing his lips down along Steve’s neck as Steve looks, enthralled, at Danny’s hand loosely closed around his cock, moving slowly.
“Wait, Danny -” Danny looks up, pupils blown wide.
“Yeah? Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, just. Do you have lube? Will help, this.” Steve indicates Danny’s hand around his cock, and Danny nods, pulling away for a moment. Steve just watches, unable to move much, as Danny smears lube over his hand, and circles Steve’s cock again.
He spends a while getting Steve hard, and he gets there, but the small curls of pleasure Steve feels in his belly are nothing compared to what he used to feel, and he finds himself enjoying kissing Danny everywhere he can reach more, and getting these little noises Danny makes at the back of his throat feels more rewarding to Steve than the idea of coming right now.
Danny pulls back, his eyes glazed over, his cheeks flushed, and when Steve looks down, he can see how hard Danny is through the pants he’s still wearing.
“Okay? Can you feel anything?”
Steve bites his lip, frowning slightly as he shakes his head. He’s got this need, all these memories of what it feels like, of what he’s supposed to feel right now, and it’s frustrating, it’s so frustrating for him not to feel what he’s supposed to. Yet Danny smiles, kissing him lightly.
“Okay, it’s okay.”
It’s not, but they’ll have to make do. Steve swallows hard, brushing his nose along Danny’s.
“You know, I think. I think making you come will be pretty amazing for me? I really want to see you. Get you there.”
“But -” Steve keeps Danny from going on, kissing him loudly, a little hard. When he pulls away, Steve grins.
“Seriously. We’ll have other chances to get me somewhere. We can try - you know, drugs and stuff. I’ll talk to Eris when I go to the hospital,” Steve pauses, trying to express how right now he doesn’t want to think about how his body is failing him, but how he can get pleasure from getting Danny off. “Right now I want you - I want you to come.”
Danny licks his lips, sighs softly, not annoyed, just maybe disappointed, and then he nods. “Okay. Yeah, okay. How do you want to do this?”
Steve considers it for a moment, before reaching out for Danny, pressing his palm against Danny’s crotch, just to hear him moan. “Want to suck you off.”
“Fuck. Fuck, yeah, okay.”
Steve grins at the throaty quality of Danny’s words, and after a few heated kisses and some rearrangement, they find a comfortable position, close to a 69 although Danny has decided to give up on Steve’s cock, instead kissing, biting, licking his way around Steve’s hipbones, ribs, his body curled around Steve’s, accommodating him in a way nobody has ever done before.
And Steve finds out that he’s right, that here and now, having Danny’s cock in his mouth, having his taste fill him up, getting him to moan and writhe and press his fingers harder between Steve’s ribs, or pant against Steve’s bellybutton, it’s the best sensations and Steve feels more satisfied by this, by bringing Danny off and tasting him and having him all over him, sounds and smells and moves. For the first time since they started this, Steve closes his eyes and lets himself be invaded by the feelings, letting these bring him to a daze of pleasure he might not be able to get physically any more.
Danny rubs the pads of his fingers against Steve’s nipple and Steve twitches, his mouth stopping for a second as he moans, and it seems to bring Danny right to the edge, because he presses his mouth to Steve’s hip, crying out as he comes, riding his high with murmured words Steve can’t understand. He swallows around Danny’s cock and laps at it until it’s gone soft again, his hands moving over Danny’s ass, his thighs, listening to Danny’s breathing.
“Fuck. Steve.”
“C’mere. Come on, c’mere.” Steve is pulling and pushing at Danny with insistent hands and Danny moves a little lazily but gets there, kisses Steve with an intensity that makes Steve shiver. When he pulls away, Danny looks a little concerned.
“Was this - did you like this?”
Steve nods, reaching out and nibbling lightly on Danny’s bottom lip. “I loved it.”
And maybe he’s saying more, here, but it doesn’t matter if Danny picks up on it.
;;
Alan is sitting on Steve’s wheelchair when Steve looks up from his own pruny fingers. He’s been on his board, floating around for almost an hour, now, paddling around and splashing water in his own face, enjoying the taste of salt on his lips and the burn of exercising in his arms.
Alan looks perfectly unimpressed as Steve paddles back to shore, though.
“Do you have a death wish of some kind?”
“Hello to you too, I’m fine, thank you for asking.”
“I’m serious, Steve. If you capsize while you’re on your own in the water, what happens? You die?”
“I’m a sailor. I’m a SEAL. I can get back to shore without the help of my legs, Alan. Besides, did you see me capsize? I know what I’m doing.”
Steve feels calm, an effect of being on his board in the water for a while. Surfing has always had this effect on him, and now just enjoying feeling the waves break further away from him and die under him brings him the same kind of quiet.
Alan seems to deflate a little, but something is still simmering under his skin, plain as day for Steve.
“What?”
“It’s just. You! I just don’t get it. You’re getting all these things you want, these things you need, you have friends and you have someone who’s head over heels for you, and you’ve got this family, and yet, yet you keep reaching for things you can’t have anymore. Like all that you already have is not good enough.”
Steve frowns, letting his fingers dig into the packed wet sand and pulling himself forward and on the beach. He moves about until he’s sitting up on the board, looking at Alan.
“That’s not it, Al. I find comfort in this, okay? It’s not because I want to surf again. I can’t say I’m perfect with what I’ve got, but I make do. I make amends. I’m okay. I don’t need surfing like I used to. I’m not doing this because I’m unhappy. I’m doing this because I love the feeling of the ocean around me. And it’s enough. Everything - it’s enough.”
“If giving it all up - Mamo, the board shop, Danny, me - could give you your legs back, would you do it?”
Steve hasn’t thought of it. Because he knows it’s impossible and he doesn’t like the implications, the possibilities behind it. He doesn’t want to be thinking this way. This isn’t a choice he can make.
“No.”
“Liar.”
“Shut up.”
“I brought beers and steaks but now I’m not sure I want to share them with you anymore.”
Steve laughs, seeing the tension bleed out of Alan. He drags himself onto the sand, pulling the board up next to him. Alan stands up, offers Steve his hands.
“Come on, brah, I’m hungry.”
;;
Steve’s got Grace folded over his lap. She’d worried before he pulled her up and kept her there, and suddenly she was snuggling close to him, her hair smelling like strawberries and her skin soft where he keeps his hand curled around her elbow.
“This was taken after my sister had her appendicitis surgery. She pretended to be in pain all the time so I would do whatever she asked of me.”
Grace found a book of pictures on a shelf, earlier. It is now open over her legs and they’re both looking at it, Steve telling her stories about his childhood. Seeing his parents, smiling and happy, seeing Mary there, it hurts, but Grace and her warmth and her innocent questions are keeping the wound closed.
Steve misses Mary Ann, in a way that’s almost physical, but besides a few phone calls, he knew she was scared of seeing him broken. He is better now, he probably should call again, let her know she doesn’t have to be strong for him. But right now, right now he’s lost in a world of comforting memories, numbing the pain with their warmth, and right now he’s got Grace with him.
Danny emerges from the bathroom where he had a quick shower after a surfing session, padding to Steve and Grace and sitting next to them, pressing his cheek to Steve’s upper arm as he looks at the pictures.
“What about that one?” He points to a picture of Steve in his full football uniform, his helmet under his arm.
“That was when I was chosen for first team in high school. I was 15.”
“You look good in that uniform.”
Steve scrunches up his nose at Danny, smiling. Then Grace is pointing to another picture, of Steve’s parents, little noises escaping her as Steve paints her the picture of his family before it all fell apart. She falls asleep half an hour later, still in Steve’s arms, and Steve closes the photo album quietly.
“I should get her back to Rachel’s.”
“Yeah.”
“I can come back, after. If you want.”
Danny is standing now, looking down at Steve and Grace, his hands on one of Steve’s chair’s handles and the other curled around the arm of the wheelchair.
“Yes. Do that,” Steve replies, earning himself a grin.
“Okay.” Danny leans down, kissing Steve lightly, just a brief press of lips that leaves Steve wanting more. Then Danny is picking Grace up, and she grumbles and snuggles close to him. Steve runs his fingers along her arm before letting go.
;;
Steve runs his hand along the rail of the foam blank he’s shaping into Chin’s board, looking up at the man himself, looking at Steve with his eyes half-closed.
“Pass me the sandpaper?”
Chin does with an economy of movement Steve can only appreciate. He smiles his thanks and focuses on the board again.
“So, Danny has been really quite chirpy, lately. I don’t know what you’ve done, but I feel like I should say thank you.”
Chin’s grinning when Steve gives him a look, which makes him chuckle, swallowing down the wave of panic that flows through his chest at first. Okay, so Chin knows, but it’s okay. It’s okay, Steve doesn’t have anyone to report to anymore. “You’re welcome, I guess?”
“At first I wondered if he’d hit his head, because I’ve hardly ever seen him smile this much, but. You know, it’s good. For both of you guys.”
“Thanks.”
Chin chuckles to himself, like he’s remembering a joke Steve has no knowledge of. “Danny said that, too. And then added ‘so glad we have your blessing, can we please get back to work now?’ like he wanted to talk about his personal life as much as he wanted to take a bullet. Seems you’re even worse.”
Steve stops sanding the rail of the board, looking straight at Chin. The man’s been nothing but a great friend to Steve since he came back to Hawaii, and Steve feels like he owes him honesty, at the very least.
“I just don’t talk about this stuff a lot. I’m still struggling with not denying everything whenever someone says his name and mine in the same sentence. And then there’s - everything else.”
How he doesn’t really want to be seen in public with Danny because he doesn’t want to embarrass him, be the cripple Danny’s with out of pity. He doesn’t think that way, but anyone else could. It’s not something he wants to be subjected to.
“That’s fair. I’m not trying to trap you here, Steve, you know?”
Steve nods. “I know,” he says, extending his hand out for Chin, who takes it, smiling.
“So we’re good?”
“We’re good.”
;;
Right now, Steve feels like an idiot. An idiot in hideous pain, the kind of pain he can’t focus away from, numb away. His whole back feels like it’s being speared repeatedly, pain flaring from his scars and burning their way up, rendering him useless, unable to move, even to slide himself out of the shower stall and onto the bathroom floor.
He’s still here, with the lukewarm water beating down on him, trying not to let the pain bring tears to his eyes, when Danny barges in the bathroom.
“Steve? Steve I’ve been calling out for five minutes, are you okay?”
Steve pushes the half door open, turning his eyes to Danny, who immediately falls to his knees in front of him, his frown growing deeper as worry settles on his face.
“Are you okay? What happened?”
“Slipped and fell. Hurt my back.”
Fuck. Steve can feel anger growing inside him as the words leave his mouth, too quiet, too unsure and helpless. He’s not helpless, he’s proven this, and he doesn’t want to need Danny, he doesn’t want to need anyone. Clenching his jaw, Steve plants his hands on the floor and pushes himself out of the shower cubicle, the pain making him want to pass out. He lies down with his legs still under the shower spray and his back on the cool floor, looking into Danny’s frightened eyes.
“Is there anything I can do? Please, just tell me, okay? Do you need painkillers or something? Come on, let me help.”
Steve doesn’t want to. His brain is tearing at him in the worst way possible, because he doesn’t want to ask Danny for help, but he knows better than to go without it. Going without it means calling the hospital and getting there as soon as possible.
“Okay, okay. I need you to grab my left arm, and pull over to my right, as far as possible.”
Danny’s shoulders slump a little, his eyes scared now, unsure.
“You - are you sure? It’s going to hurt!”
“In a good way. Do it, Danny.”
Steve doesn’t say please, can’t bring himself to. But then Danny’s hands are curled over his arm and he’s pulling, pulling, forcing Steve’s legs to move as well, pain exploding all over Steve’s back as he follows the movement helplessly, wanting to curse and cry and run away, even as he feels his spine popping in place, his still-working nerves screaming pain before letting go, allowing muscles to slowly relax.
Danny leans on Steve, putting his weight on the abused muscles, and Steve closes his eyes tight, knowing Danny can see the scars on his back, how ugly they are, how ugly they make Steve. Danny doesn’t say anything, though, just keeps the pressure and dips his head close, nose against Steve’s ear. They stay like this for a while, until Steve feels like a human being again, the pain subsiding to its usual level.
“Okay. Okay, you can let go, now.”
Danny does, slowly, helping Steve back into his initial position, his hands all over Steve’s chest. Steve turns his hands into fists to keep from pushing Danny away.
“Are you okay? Sure?”
“I’m fine. I’m fine, Danny.” Finally, Steve can’t take it anymore, batting Danny’s hands away from his body and pushing himself away, feeling too exposed, raw. Danny stays right where he is, looking at Steve with growing wariness in his eyes. His shirt is soaked through but he doesn’t seem to care, his hands folded over his lap as he looks at Steve.
“Do you...I don’t know, do you want help getting into some clothes?”
Steve opens his mouth before shaking his head. “No. Could you -” the words are hard to get out, but Steve feels irrationally angry, and he needs to be alone. “Could you just go, please? Just go. Go home.”
Danny takes a sharp breath, apparently ready to fight back, but Steve shakes his head and looks away, reaching out for a towel. He refuses to look at Danny, until Danny shifts and leaves the room, closing the door softly behind him.
;;
“Are you ready to be released?”
Steve’s kept in observation after the bathroom accident, just a while longer than usual to make sure he hasn’t damaged anything further. And now Alan is sitting at the edge of Steve’s bed, giving him this non-judgemental look that unnerves Steve.
“Soon, I think.”
“Hey, okay, I gather that you’re in pain right now, it was a stupid accident, they happen to the best of us, but why do you look like someone pissed in your herbal tea?”
Steve contemplates changing the subject, but in the end, Alan is the only one really able to get what Steve is going through.
“Danny found me. I couldn’t move, he found me in my bathroom and then he had to stretch my back for me.”
“Okay, so?”
“So, I’ve never felt that helpless in my life.”
“And you’re a sailor, you didn’t like it, you can take of yourself and you don’t want him to see you this weak? Is that it?”
Steve looks away, fingers pulling at the bedsheets. “Maybe.”
“Were you an asshole to him?”
Steve doesn’t answer, and Alan sighs loudly in answer.
“Okay. Think about it for a second. Think about wheeling yourself inside Danny’s apartment, only to find him semi-conscious in the bathroom. Would you not freak out? Would you not want to help? Whether you can or not? You do realize this has nothing to do with your injury, right?”
Steve wants to explode, to tell Alan how it has everything to do with his injury, because without it he’d never have slipped in the shower, without it he wouldn’t be here anyway, wouldn’t burden Danny like he does. Without the injury Steve would still be a SEAL.
Instead, Steve just doesn’t say anything, staring out the window. When Alan stands up, Steve doesn’t move.
“Fine. Get yourself a cab home.”
;;
Steve is ready to apologize. He doesn’t know how to do it, but as he knocks on Danny’s apartment door, he knows he doesn’t have a choice. His whole being is conflicted with wanting to turn around and leave as quick as he can, and sticking it out. He can’t stop thinking about what Alan said, imagining Danny unconscious on his bathroom floor. The way it hurts and scares him is enough. It took a few days, but he’s here, now.
Danny opens the door and he doesn’t even look angry, just concerned, allowing Steve to wheel right in, closing the door behind the two of them.
“Hey. You okay?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay. Look, Danny, I’m sorry, about the other day. I’m sorry I pushed you away.”
“It’s okay. It’s fine, I get it. I can’t say I can put myself in your shoes and understand how you felt, because obviously I can’t, but I just. I think I understand. Maybe you can explain to me, some day, but right now, you don’t have to apologize. I’m glad you’re here, though.”
Steve manages a smile, his eyes following Danny as he sits on the bed in front of Steve. Steve reaches out, closing his fingers around Danny’s thigh, and Danny’s quick to respond, using a hand to pull Steve closer, and their kiss is a little urgent, making up for the few days they’ve gone without it.
Steve tries to forget about what happened, the helplessness and the rage, the anger at how his own body failed him. This isn’t the way Danny sees him.
When they pull away, Danny releases a loud breath against Steve’s lips.
“I’ve got something to show you.”
Danny grabs his laptop from the other side of the bed, opening it and typing something, turning the laptop towards Steve when he’s done. It’s a webpage, something about a surfing event, and as Steve scans it, his heart starts beating faster, dropping into his stomach. It’s a charity event, a day for spinal cord injury victims to get to surf. Steve pulls the laptop closed.
“What is this?”
Danny’s eyes are so big. “Well, see, when I was researching all I could about spinal cord injuries, I stumbled upon this charity, Life Rolls On. And I thought it was perfect for you, so basically, over the last few months I’ve been in contact with the patrons of the charity about hosting an event here, and with Mamo to have a place where to host it, and, now, it’s happening. Next month. You can surf again.”
Steve feels his vision go blurry, not certain with tears or anger. He’s made peace with himself, with his condition keeping him from surfing, ever again. He’s satisfied with what he’s got. He doesn’t need a charity.
“No.”
“No? No what? Steve? I thought you’d be happy.”
“Yeah, well, you thought wrong, didn’t you? What made you think this would make me happy? What made you think twisting the knife would make me happy, Danny?”
Danny leans back, taken aback by the strength of Steve’s words. Steve himself didn’t expect them, the words flowing out of him in an unusual show of pain and anger.
“Steve -”
“I am trying to accept this, Danny! I am trying really hard to wrap my life around all of this, around this injury and all these things I can’t do anymore, and I’m finally getting around accepting that I won’t be surfing anymore, that this is not happening because my legs will never function again, and you -”
Danny stands up, anger flowing through his movements too, now, his face pinched as he flails around.
“I wanted to give you a chance to get some closure! To see what you can achieve, with or without your legs! I worked really hard on this, okay, and so did Mamo, and we only did it for you!”
Steve’s nostrils flare as he tips up his chin, his anger fueled by how helpless he feels.
“Did I ask you to do this for me? I can fend for myself, Danny.”
“Fuck’s sake, this is not the point! I did this because - because I love you, okay, and I want to see you surf, and I want to hear you laugh. Not because I think you’re pathetic and can’t do things for yourself.”
The words hit Steve square in the chest, like a kick straight into his ribs, his lungs, his heart. He can’t breathe, and he can’t think. He needs to be able to think.
“I need to go.”
Steve wheels his chair around and leaves Danny’s apartment, his hands trembling when he hauls himself into his car.
;;
It’s a few more days before Steve confronts Mamo. He has barely left his own house, running over and over the angry words and look on Danny’s face, hopeful, happy, excited, turning angry, disappointed, hurt. Yet Steve can’t get past his own anger.
When he makes his way to his board repair shop, he sees Mamo standing at the door, waiting for him. He must have seen Steve park his car. The sight of him makes Steve somehow so sad and disappointed he feels himself slump forward, looking away.
“Steve, hey.”
Steve doesn’t reply, the search for his keys allowing him to look away from Mamo.
“Look, kid, you’re angry, I get that. But we should talk.”
“I’m not your charity case, Mamo. Is that why you’ve been helping me, from the beginning? Because you pity me, and think I need it? Fuck both of you. I don’t need your help, or your charity. I’m fine.”
Mamo sighs, looking at Steve like he used to look at his own daughter when she misbehaved - Steve remembers her from when they were kids. Mamo told Steve she moved to the Big Island years ago and is teaching chemistry to twelve-year-olds. And now he’s looking at Steve with that same, slightly exasperated look, fondness in his eyes anyway. Steve wants to be even angrier at him for it, but he can’t bring himself to.
“Steve, this event is going to take place, with or without you. Maybe it started because of you, and maybe it was a mistake to keep it from you until now. But this day is going to get kids who can’t walk on surfboards. They’re going to get adults back on boards. It could get you back in the water. This is not about you not wanting to do it, this is about your pride, and I think you need to shelve it before you ruin the best thing that’s happened to you since your accident.”
Steve wants to throw back that he's gotten back in the water since his accident, that he’s gotten exactly what he needs from it, but the pride comment hits Steve straight, sending him reeling and thinking. Maybe it is, maybe it’s a consequence of feeling so fragile and needing Danny when he doesn’t want to, when he needs to be his own man.
The words still feel like shards of glass through his skin, shredding his composure and his anger. Mamo gives him a look, something like sympathy and annoyance thrown together in his gentle eyes.
“We don’t think you’re a charity case, Steve. I’ve been helping you because I want to. Because you’re a good kid, and you deserve to have a good life. Maybe if you didn’t think of yourself as a charity case, you’d realize that all Danny and I want is for you to be happy.”
Steve lifts his chin, looking at Mamo defiantly for a moment, before he deflates, seeing the sincerity in Mamo’s eyes. It still feels like betrayal, like a wound reopened when it’s healing, and Steve can’t seem to get past it.
Maybe he will. Just not yet.
;;
Steve looks up from the board he’s waxing to see Alan climb out of his car, pushing his cap tighter over his head as he walks towards Steve’s little board shop.
“Yo, McGarrett.”
“Hey. You here to give me a spanking? Because I’ve been lectured enough in the past week and a half. Don’t need more of it.”
Alan holds up his hands, trying to be the picture of innocence and slightly failing. Steve puts the board on a rack, rubbing his hands against his shorts.
“No lecture, buddy. Just wanted to see how you were doing.”
“I’m just fine.” Steve hauls another board onto his work table, running his hands over it to check the dings, marking them with a pencil. He’s not fine - he’s slowly getting back into a normal relationship with Mamo, if only because they see each other every day and Mamo is nothing but persistent, but Steve hasn’t seen Danny since their fight, and he’s starting to feel like the biggest idiot on the island because of it.
“Yeah, you look it. You been sleeping lately?”
“Yes.”
“The more tired you are the worse of a liar you become. Okay. If you’re not talking to Danny, and you’re not talking to Mamo, will you at least talk to me?”
Steve lets out a breath, his hands on the board. Its owner has done a job on this one, it’s going to take the rest of the afternoon for Steve to polish it back to perfect condition.
“There’s nothing to say, Alan.”
“Really? Why do you look so miserable, then?”
“Because my - because Danny thinks I’m this charity case that needs help.”
Alan sits on the cooler next to Steve, leaning his chin on the work table after pushing the surfboard away a little. Steve almost smiles.
“Now, tell me, does Danny think of you that way, or do you think Danny thinks of you that way?”
Steve clenches his jaw. He knows this is the heart of the problem, this is him being irrationally angry and refusing to let up because of his pride. He’s losing Danny, and it’s starting to sound really, frighteningly stupid.
“You think I should talk to him.”
Alan nods. “I think you should talk to him. But it’s not my decision.”
Steve presses his lips together. “Yeah.”
;;
Steve wheels himself to the edge of the crowd, looking at the number of people there, most of them sitting around, enjoying the sunshine, clapping when a kid crests a wave. There are a few wheelchairs here and there empty, men and women walking around in wetsuits, carrying children and adults from the water to their chairs and back.
The boards they’re using have a rack which those with spinal cord injuries hold on to as they ride waves, and the smiles and laughter make Steve’s heart beat faster. He had no idea there was this many people like him in the city, and somehow he finds it reassuring.
Steve twists his hands together over his lap as he looks at the scene before him, seeing so many kids laughing as they play around in the water in a way they probably haven’t been able to do since their accident. How could he want to deny them, and himself, this?
He freezes when he sees Danny, carrying a little girl in his arms as he emerges from the water. They’re chatting excitedly, the little girl using her arms in a very Danny-like way to expand on whatever story she’s telling Danny, and he laughs, helping her dry her legs before he deposits her back in her chair. She gives him a kiss on the cheek and Danny grins, making Steve smile despite himself.
He’s not expecting Danny to look up and see him, but somehow this happens, and Danny stares at Steve for a moment through the crowd before he starts walking closer, still clad in a wetsuit, with drops of water falling down from the tips of his hair to the sides of his face, his nose slightly red from being in the sun for a while. He looks - breathtaking, for a lack of a better word, and Steve doesn’t know what to do with himself when Danny stops in front of him, his face carefully neutral despite a storm of feelings in his eyes.
“I take it you’ve changed your mind.”
“I didn’t know you’d be - a part of it. Helping people in the water.”
Danny shrugs, running a hand through his hair, looking almost sheepish for a second. This wasn’t what Steve wanted to say, but he’s never been good with words, never been able to express himself the way he wanted to; his high school essays had always been disasters.
“Well, I helped plan it, I thought I’d have some fun, too.”
Steve nods, looking down at his hands to see he’s gripping his thighs hard, and he lets go before his fingers cramp up. Danny sighs.
“What are you doing here, Steve?”
Steve wants to carefully plan his reply to that question, but in the end he blurts out the first thing he can think of, looking up at Danny with desperation in how he’s leaning forward.
“I’m sorry, Danny. I’m sorry. I fucked up. I got scared, and I pushed you away, and it wasn’t fair. I convinced myself I was just a burden to you, and you deserved better.”
Danny takes a sharp breath at that, taking a step closer.
“What made you think you’re not good enough? Look at me, I’m a cop with an ex-wife and a kid, and I hate this place on my best days. I’ve got baggage, too, Steve - it’s different but it’s baggage. I don’t care if your legs don’t work, and I don’t mind helping you when you need it.”
“I don’t care you’ve got an ex-wife and a kid. I actually like your kid a lot.”
Danny kneels in front of Steve, his fingers closing around handfuls of Steve’s shorts. Steve’s own hands shake a little as he refrains from touching Danny, not sure that he’s earned the right just yet.
“She’s missed you, you know? I miss you. And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about this from the start. I should have.”
“I’m sorry I went off on you. And thank you for doing this.”
There are more words playing through Steve’s head, but he can’t quite get them out, not here and now, with so many people walking around them, even if they’re not paying attention. Steve runs his fingers through Danny’s hair, brushing his thumb along his cheekbone, and Danny smiles turning a little to rub his nose against the length of Steve’s thumb.
“Hey, you’re welcome.”
;;
Steve surfs again.
They wait until most people have vacated the beach, until the sun is mostly down and the lights of the city are illuminating the water, to get one of the special boards. Danny offers his help to get Steve in the water but Steve politely declines, getting himself on the stick and paddling away, Danny swimming next to him until they’re far off enough.
Danny smiles, asks, “You’re ready?” and Steve nods, his stomach rolling with anticipation. And then he’s paddling up and Danny is keeping the board steady as Steve reaches the lip of the wave, holding onto the rail along the nose of the board, feeling himself gliding and it’s like flying, it’s like he’s doing it again, free and light and amazing, and Steve starts laughing, salt water in his eyes and on his lips and he’s going so fast, he’s cresting the wave and he’s on top of the fucking world.
He’s close to giggling like a five year-old as the wave dies down under them, and Danny swims around the board to look at Steve, his own face lit up with the lights of the city and a huge grin. Steve sobers up, reaching out for Danny, a hand around the back of his neck, pulling him in, and the kiss tastes of sea salt and something so deeply Danny Steve shivers, closes his fingers around Danny’s on the board. When Danny pulls away, he rests his forehead against Steve’s, and grins.
;;
The moon is in the right shape, right place. Steve looks up at it from his vantage point, the sounds around him quiet; soft laps of the water against his surfboard, tired bird noises, a gentle breeze through leaves and his hair. If he turned his head he’d be able to see his wheelchair, the brown fluffy towel draped over its arms, just at the edge of the water. He doesn’t turn his head, keeps his eyes on the moon, the stars around it, shining so brightly they burn, a counterpoint to the freshness of the water where his fingers are brushing it.
All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on, Steve thinks to the world and no one in particular. He lets himself float about for a while, his fingers grazing the water, flashes of cold against his skin, keeping him alert.
When he does turn his head towards the shore, Danny’s there, sitting in the sand next to Steve’s wheelchair, the towel wrapped around his shoulders. Something twists in Steve’s stomach, a knot of warmth and possibilities, and Danny raises a hand, waves. Steve smiles. Yeah - he’s getting there.
They open Steve’s little hut on Waikiki beach on a Friday morning. There’s no party and no fuss about it, just the promise of a date with Danny to celebrate in the evening, and the closest thing he’s got to a family roaming around the repair-and-shape shop Steve is now the owner of, along with Mamo.
Kono is the first one to come in, but Danny manages to be Steve’s first client, walking in with his stick under one arm and Grace holding his free hand.
“I got a ding.”
Grace grins proudly at her father as Steve wheels himself to them, holding his hands out for the board. “I taught him that word.”
“Nice work, Gracie! Okay, let me see that.”
It’s just a small bump on the side of the deck, easy enough to take care of. “Right, I can take care of this today. Give your board back to you tonight?”
Danny grins, looking around the hut for a minute. “Sure, sounds good. I need to get this little one to school, now, but we wanted to say hi, and congratulations.”
“Thank you.” Steve leans over when Grace reaches out for him, giving him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Steve smiles at Danny over her head, wanting to kiss him, too, to spend a while in the backroom making out like teenagers. He reigns it in as Danny squeezes his shoulder before both he and Gracie say their goodbyes, passing Mamo on their way out.
It’s the same kind of whirlwind all day. Alan and Chin get introduced to each other as they walk in to give Steve their luck, Kawika gives Steve a whole lot of business right away, admitting he’s told his Kapu to come here if they can, and a whole slew of people he’s helped with their boards in the past come in and out. Mamo stays around, helps Steve get even more customers by giving him his stamp of approval so clearly, and when the day starts to slow down, Mamo sits next to Steve outside the shop, looking out at the ocean and the sun starting to burn through it.
“Enjoyed your first day?”
“Yes, I really did. Look, Mamo...I didn’t tell you thank you yet. But - thank you. For everything.”
Words crowd Steve’s mouth but he can’t get them out, thank you for acting like a father to me, thank you for helping me find a life again, thank you for keeping me from hating myself. All sorts of thank yous Steve can’t say, can only hope Mamo understands. Mamo smiles.
“He mea iki, brah. You deserve it.”
;;
Steve is pleasantly buzzing with beer and two glasses of bourbon when Danny broaches the subject Steve keeps on thinking of. They’d gone out for dinner at Kamekona’s shrimp truck, because they’re classy like that, and then retreated to Danny’s flat, who lives closer than Steve. He put some Springsteen on, and cracked open the liquor.
“So. I have a question for you, and I don’t want you to get embarrassed or uncomfortable, okay? Which is why I am attempting to get you drunk right now; I feel like it might be easier. But also, we are two grown ups and we should be able to talk about this.”
Steve raises an eyebrow, taking another sip of bourbon.
“What is it?”
Danny leans closer, elbows on his knees and his eyes open wide, beautiful and earnest. “Can you have sex?”
Steve’s brain stalls. But then he shakes the feeling of helplessness away, looking back at Danny, wanting to have this conversation.
“Technically. I haven’t - since the accident. It’s...I don’t really know.”
“Okay. Can you still have reflex erections? Like, if I was to touch you now, would you get hard for me?”
There is something almost uncomfortable in the conversation, as Danny’s words don’t seem to be in the purpose of arousing Steve, and yet the images make warmth flutter in his stomach all the same.
“Yes. How do you even know about reflex erections?”
“What do you think? I have read about this, Steve, because I want to have sex with you, but I gathered that it might not be as easy as it should be, and I didn’t want to approach this blindly.”
“So, you’re saying, you’ve read about my injury and what it did to my body, and yet, you still want to have sex with me?”
Steve feels his mouth dry out as Danny gives him an indulgent smile, his hand reaching out to cup Steve’s face, thumb brushing along Steve’s cheekbone.
“Yes. I don’t have a problem with your injury, Steve. It doesn’t change anything that I’m feeling. For you. And I want you. Fuck, I’ve wanted you since the moment we met.”
Steve doesn’t really know what to say in answer, so he just turns his head, just enough for his lips to catch Danny’s palm, and his ears pick up the sharp intake of breath from Danny. Steve hopes that it’s enough to tell Danny he wants him, too.
“Okay. Okay, so. We can make this work, right?”
“The least we can do is try,” Steve says, and he’s smiling, and not even really scared. And when Danny reaches out, kisses Steve, Steve forgets about everything else than Danny’s mouth on his, the want spreading through his upper body.
Somehow they end up on Danny’s bed, both shirtless and breathless, Danny sprawled on top of Steve, Steve allowing his hands to roam all over Danny. They turned the lights off at some point, for which Steve is grateful, all too conscious of how his body looks nowadays; his back a map of scars he doesn’t want anyone to see, his legs losing their muscle mass, his skin sore in places. It doesn’t seem to bother Danny, though, who’s touching him everywhere, feather-like touches that make Steve groan.
Danny pulls away, resting his forehead against Steve as he pants, his eyes closed. Steve can’t stop looking.
“I - I want this to be good, for you. I really do, but I don’t know what you feel, or don’t feel. So please, please, talk to me, okay?”
Steve nods, his forehead still pressed against Danny, and leans his chin up to be able to kiss him again, lightly, as he feels Danny’s hands travel down his chest, igniting fires all along, and Steve wants to roll his hips as he hears his jeans being opened, doesn’t feel it. Danny breaks the kiss, trailing his lips down along Steve’s neck as Steve looks, enthralled, at Danny’s hand loosely closed around his cock, moving slowly.
“Wait, Danny -” Danny looks up, pupils blown wide.
“Yeah? Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, just. Do you have lube? Will help, this.” Steve indicates Danny’s hand around his cock, and Danny nods, pulling away for a moment. Steve just watches, unable to move much, as Danny smears lube over his hand, and circles Steve’s cock again.
He spends a while getting Steve hard, and he gets there, but the small curls of pleasure Steve feels in his belly are nothing compared to what he used to feel, and he finds himself enjoying kissing Danny everywhere he can reach more, and getting these little noises Danny makes at the back of his throat feels more rewarding to Steve than the idea of coming right now.
Danny pulls back, his eyes glazed over, his cheeks flushed, and when Steve looks down, he can see how hard Danny is through the pants he’s still wearing.
“Okay? Can you feel anything?”
Steve bites his lip, frowning slightly as he shakes his head. He’s got this need, all these memories of what it feels like, of what he’s supposed to feel right now, and it’s frustrating, it’s so frustrating for him not to feel what he’s supposed to. Yet Danny smiles, kissing him lightly.
“Okay, it’s okay.”
It’s not, but they’ll have to make do. Steve swallows hard, brushing his nose along Danny’s.
“You know, I think. I think making you come will be pretty amazing for me? I really want to see you. Get you there.”
“But -” Steve keeps Danny from going on, kissing him loudly, a little hard. When he pulls away, Steve grins.
“Seriously. We’ll have other chances to get me somewhere. We can try - you know, drugs and stuff. I’ll talk to Eris when I go to the hospital,” Steve pauses, trying to express how right now he doesn’t want to think about how his body is failing him, but how he can get pleasure from getting Danny off. “Right now I want you - I want you to come.”
Danny licks his lips, sighs softly, not annoyed, just maybe disappointed, and then he nods. “Okay. Yeah, okay. How do you want to do this?”
Steve considers it for a moment, before reaching out for Danny, pressing his palm against Danny’s crotch, just to hear him moan. “Want to suck you off.”
“Fuck. Fuck, yeah, okay.”
Steve grins at the throaty quality of Danny’s words, and after a few heated kisses and some rearrangement, they find a comfortable position, close to a 69 although Danny has decided to give up on Steve’s cock, instead kissing, biting, licking his way around Steve’s hipbones, ribs, his body curled around Steve’s, accommodating him in a way nobody has ever done before.
And Steve finds out that he’s right, that here and now, having Danny’s cock in his mouth, having his taste fill him up, getting him to moan and writhe and press his fingers harder between Steve’s ribs, or pant against Steve’s bellybutton, it’s the best sensations and Steve feels more satisfied by this, by bringing Danny off and tasting him and having him all over him, sounds and smells and moves. For the first time since they started this, Steve closes his eyes and lets himself be invaded by the feelings, letting these bring him to a daze of pleasure he might not be able to get physically any more.
Danny rubs the pads of his fingers against Steve’s nipple and Steve twitches, his mouth stopping for a second as he moans, and it seems to bring Danny right to the edge, because he presses his mouth to Steve’s hip, crying out as he comes, riding his high with murmured words Steve can’t understand. He swallows around Danny’s cock and laps at it until it’s gone soft again, his hands moving over Danny’s ass, his thighs, listening to Danny’s breathing.
“Fuck. Steve.”
“C’mere. Come on, c’mere.” Steve is pulling and pushing at Danny with insistent hands and Danny moves a little lazily but gets there, kisses Steve with an intensity that makes Steve shiver. When he pulls away, Danny looks a little concerned.
“Was this - did you like this?”
Steve nods, reaching out and nibbling lightly on Danny’s bottom lip. “I loved it.”
And maybe he’s saying more, here, but it doesn’t matter if Danny picks up on it.
;;
Alan is sitting on Steve’s wheelchair when Steve looks up from his own pruny fingers. He’s been on his board, floating around for almost an hour, now, paddling around and splashing water in his own face, enjoying the taste of salt on his lips and the burn of exercising in his arms.
Alan looks perfectly unimpressed as Steve paddles back to shore, though.
“Do you have a death wish of some kind?”
“Hello to you too, I’m fine, thank you for asking.”
“I’m serious, Steve. If you capsize while you’re on your own in the water, what happens? You die?”
“I’m a sailor. I’m a SEAL. I can get back to shore without the help of my legs, Alan. Besides, did you see me capsize? I know what I’m doing.”
Steve feels calm, an effect of being on his board in the water for a while. Surfing has always had this effect on him, and now just enjoying feeling the waves break further away from him and die under him brings him the same kind of quiet.
Alan seems to deflate a little, but something is still simmering under his skin, plain as day for Steve.
“What?”
“It’s just. You! I just don’t get it. You’re getting all these things you want, these things you need, you have friends and you have someone who’s head over heels for you, and you’ve got this family, and yet, yet you keep reaching for things you can’t have anymore. Like all that you already have is not good enough.”
Steve frowns, letting his fingers dig into the packed wet sand and pulling himself forward and on the beach. He moves about until he’s sitting up on the board, looking at Alan.
“That’s not it, Al. I find comfort in this, okay? It’s not because I want to surf again. I can’t say I’m perfect with what I’ve got, but I make do. I make amends. I’m okay. I don’t need surfing like I used to. I’m not doing this because I’m unhappy. I’m doing this because I love the feeling of the ocean around me. And it’s enough. Everything - it’s enough.”
“If giving it all up - Mamo, the board shop, Danny, me - could give you your legs back, would you do it?”
Steve hasn’t thought of it. Because he knows it’s impossible and he doesn’t like the implications, the possibilities behind it. He doesn’t want to be thinking this way. This isn’t a choice he can make.
“No.”
“Liar.”
“Shut up.”
“I brought beers and steaks but now I’m not sure I want to share them with you anymore.”
Steve laughs, seeing the tension bleed out of Alan. He drags himself onto the sand, pulling the board up next to him. Alan stands up, offers Steve his hands.
“Come on, brah, I’m hungry.”
;;
Steve’s got Grace folded over his lap. She’d worried before he pulled her up and kept her there, and suddenly she was snuggling close to him, her hair smelling like strawberries and her skin soft where he keeps his hand curled around her elbow.
“This was taken after my sister had her appendicitis surgery. She pretended to be in pain all the time so I would do whatever she asked of me.”
Grace found a book of pictures on a shelf, earlier. It is now open over her legs and they’re both looking at it, Steve telling her stories about his childhood. Seeing his parents, smiling and happy, seeing Mary there, it hurts, but Grace and her warmth and her innocent questions are keeping the wound closed.
Steve misses Mary Ann, in a way that’s almost physical, but besides a few phone calls, he knew she was scared of seeing him broken. He is better now, he probably should call again, let her know she doesn’t have to be strong for him. But right now, right now he’s lost in a world of comforting memories, numbing the pain with their warmth, and right now he’s got Grace with him.
Danny emerges from the bathroom where he had a quick shower after a surfing session, padding to Steve and Grace and sitting next to them, pressing his cheek to Steve’s upper arm as he looks at the pictures.
“What about that one?” He points to a picture of Steve in his full football uniform, his helmet under his arm.
“That was when I was chosen for first team in high school. I was 15.”
“You look good in that uniform.”
Steve scrunches up his nose at Danny, smiling. Then Grace is pointing to another picture, of Steve’s parents, little noises escaping her as Steve paints her the picture of his family before it all fell apart. She falls asleep half an hour later, still in Steve’s arms, and Steve closes the photo album quietly.
“I should get her back to Rachel’s.”
“Yeah.”
“I can come back, after. If you want.”
Danny is standing now, looking down at Steve and Grace, his hands on one of Steve’s chair’s handles and the other curled around the arm of the wheelchair.
“Yes. Do that,” Steve replies, earning himself a grin.
“Okay.” Danny leans down, kissing Steve lightly, just a brief press of lips that leaves Steve wanting more. Then Danny is picking Grace up, and she grumbles and snuggles close to him. Steve runs his fingers along her arm before letting go.
;;
Steve runs his hand along the rail of the foam blank he’s shaping into Chin’s board, looking up at the man himself, looking at Steve with his eyes half-closed.
“Pass me the sandpaper?”
Chin does with an economy of movement Steve can only appreciate. He smiles his thanks and focuses on the board again.
“So, Danny has been really quite chirpy, lately. I don’t know what you’ve done, but I feel like I should say thank you.”
Chin’s grinning when Steve gives him a look, which makes him chuckle, swallowing down the wave of panic that flows through his chest at first. Okay, so Chin knows, but it’s okay. It’s okay, Steve doesn’t have anyone to report to anymore. “You’re welcome, I guess?”
“At first I wondered if he’d hit his head, because I’ve hardly ever seen him smile this much, but. You know, it’s good. For both of you guys.”
“Thanks.”
Chin chuckles to himself, like he’s remembering a joke Steve has no knowledge of. “Danny said that, too. And then added ‘so glad we have your blessing, can we please get back to work now?’ like he wanted to talk about his personal life as much as he wanted to take a bullet. Seems you’re even worse.”
Steve stops sanding the rail of the board, looking straight at Chin. The man’s been nothing but a great friend to Steve since he came back to Hawaii, and Steve feels like he owes him honesty, at the very least.
“I just don’t talk about this stuff a lot. I’m still struggling with not denying everything whenever someone says his name and mine in the same sentence. And then there’s - everything else.”
How he doesn’t really want to be seen in public with Danny because he doesn’t want to embarrass him, be the cripple Danny’s with out of pity. He doesn’t think that way, but anyone else could. It’s not something he wants to be subjected to.
“That’s fair. I’m not trying to trap you here, Steve, you know?”
Steve nods. “I know,” he says, extending his hand out for Chin, who takes it, smiling.
“So we’re good?”
“We’re good.”
;;
Right now, Steve feels like an idiot. An idiot in hideous pain, the kind of pain he can’t focus away from, numb away. His whole back feels like it’s being speared repeatedly, pain flaring from his scars and burning their way up, rendering him useless, unable to move, even to slide himself out of the shower stall and onto the bathroom floor.
He’s still here, with the lukewarm water beating down on him, trying not to let the pain bring tears to his eyes, when Danny barges in the bathroom.
“Steve? Steve I’ve been calling out for five minutes, are you okay?”
Steve pushes the half door open, turning his eyes to Danny, who immediately falls to his knees in front of him, his frown growing deeper as worry settles on his face.
“Are you okay? What happened?”
“Slipped and fell. Hurt my back.”
Fuck. Steve can feel anger growing inside him as the words leave his mouth, too quiet, too unsure and helpless. He’s not helpless, he’s proven this, and he doesn’t want to need Danny, he doesn’t want to need anyone. Clenching his jaw, Steve plants his hands on the floor and pushes himself out of the shower cubicle, the pain making him want to pass out. He lies down with his legs still under the shower spray and his back on the cool floor, looking into Danny’s frightened eyes.
“Is there anything I can do? Please, just tell me, okay? Do you need painkillers or something? Come on, let me help.”
Steve doesn’t want to. His brain is tearing at him in the worst way possible, because he doesn’t want to ask Danny for help, but he knows better than to go without it. Going without it means calling the hospital and getting there as soon as possible.
“Okay, okay. I need you to grab my left arm, and pull over to my right, as far as possible.”
Danny’s shoulders slump a little, his eyes scared now, unsure.
“You - are you sure? It’s going to hurt!”
“In a good way. Do it, Danny.”
Steve doesn’t say please, can’t bring himself to. But then Danny’s hands are curled over his arm and he’s pulling, pulling, forcing Steve’s legs to move as well, pain exploding all over Steve’s back as he follows the movement helplessly, wanting to curse and cry and run away, even as he feels his spine popping in place, his still-working nerves screaming pain before letting go, allowing muscles to slowly relax.
Danny leans on Steve, putting his weight on the abused muscles, and Steve closes his eyes tight, knowing Danny can see the scars on his back, how ugly they are, how ugly they make Steve. Danny doesn’t say anything, though, just keeps the pressure and dips his head close, nose against Steve’s ear. They stay like this for a while, until Steve feels like a human being again, the pain subsiding to its usual level.
“Okay. Okay, you can let go, now.”
Danny does, slowly, helping Steve back into his initial position, his hands all over Steve’s chest. Steve turns his hands into fists to keep from pushing Danny away.
“Are you okay? Sure?”
“I’m fine. I’m fine, Danny.” Finally, Steve can’t take it anymore, batting Danny’s hands away from his body and pushing himself away, feeling too exposed, raw. Danny stays right where he is, looking at Steve with growing wariness in his eyes. His shirt is soaked through but he doesn’t seem to care, his hands folded over his lap as he looks at Steve.
“Do you...I don’t know, do you want help getting into some clothes?”
Steve opens his mouth before shaking his head. “No. Could you -” the words are hard to get out, but Steve feels irrationally angry, and he needs to be alone. “Could you just go, please? Just go. Go home.”
Danny takes a sharp breath, apparently ready to fight back, but Steve shakes his head and looks away, reaching out for a towel. He refuses to look at Danny, until Danny shifts and leaves the room, closing the door softly behind him.
;;
“Are you ready to be released?”
Steve’s kept in observation after the bathroom accident, just a while longer than usual to make sure he hasn’t damaged anything further. And now Alan is sitting at the edge of Steve’s bed, giving him this non-judgemental look that unnerves Steve.
“Soon, I think.”
“Hey, okay, I gather that you’re in pain right now, it was a stupid accident, they happen to the best of us, but why do you look like someone pissed in your herbal tea?”
Steve contemplates changing the subject, but in the end, Alan is the only one really able to get what Steve is going through.
“Danny found me. I couldn’t move, he found me in my bathroom and then he had to stretch my back for me.”
“Okay, so?”
“So, I’ve never felt that helpless in my life.”
“And you’re a sailor, you didn’t like it, you can take of yourself and you don’t want him to see you this weak? Is that it?”
Steve looks away, fingers pulling at the bedsheets. “Maybe.”
“Were you an asshole to him?”
Steve doesn’t answer, and Alan sighs loudly in answer.
“Okay. Think about it for a second. Think about wheeling yourself inside Danny’s apartment, only to find him semi-conscious in the bathroom. Would you not freak out? Would you not want to help? Whether you can or not? You do realize this has nothing to do with your injury, right?”
Steve wants to explode, to tell Alan how it has everything to do with his injury, because without it he’d never have slipped in the shower, without it he wouldn’t be here anyway, wouldn’t burden Danny like he does. Without the injury Steve would still be a SEAL.
Instead, Steve just doesn’t say anything, staring out the window. When Alan stands up, Steve doesn’t move.
“Fine. Get yourself a cab home.”
;;
Steve is ready to apologize. He doesn’t know how to do it, but as he knocks on Danny’s apartment door, he knows he doesn’t have a choice. His whole being is conflicted with wanting to turn around and leave as quick as he can, and sticking it out. He can’t stop thinking about what Alan said, imagining Danny unconscious on his bathroom floor. The way it hurts and scares him is enough. It took a few days, but he’s here, now.
Danny opens the door and he doesn’t even look angry, just concerned, allowing Steve to wheel right in, closing the door behind the two of them.
“Hey. You okay?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay. Look, Danny, I’m sorry, about the other day. I’m sorry I pushed you away.”
“It’s okay. It’s fine, I get it. I can’t say I can put myself in your shoes and understand how you felt, because obviously I can’t, but I just. I think I understand. Maybe you can explain to me, some day, but right now, you don’t have to apologize. I’m glad you’re here, though.”
Steve manages a smile, his eyes following Danny as he sits on the bed in front of Steve. Steve reaches out, closing his fingers around Danny’s thigh, and Danny’s quick to respond, using a hand to pull Steve closer, and their kiss is a little urgent, making up for the few days they’ve gone without it.
Steve tries to forget about what happened, the helplessness and the rage, the anger at how his own body failed him. This isn’t the way Danny sees him.
When they pull away, Danny releases a loud breath against Steve’s lips.
“I’ve got something to show you.”
Danny grabs his laptop from the other side of the bed, opening it and typing something, turning the laptop towards Steve when he’s done. It’s a webpage, something about a surfing event, and as Steve scans it, his heart starts beating faster, dropping into his stomach. It’s a charity event, a day for spinal cord injury victims to get to surf. Steve pulls the laptop closed.
“What is this?”
Danny’s eyes are so big. “Well, see, when I was researching all I could about spinal cord injuries, I stumbled upon this charity, Life Rolls On. And I thought it was perfect for you, so basically, over the last few months I’ve been in contact with the patrons of the charity about hosting an event here, and with Mamo to have a place where to host it, and, now, it’s happening. Next month. You can surf again.”
Steve feels his vision go blurry, not certain with tears or anger. He’s made peace with himself, with his condition keeping him from surfing, ever again. He’s satisfied with what he’s got. He doesn’t need a charity.
“No.”
“No? No what? Steve? I thought you’d be happy.”
“Yeah, well, you thought wrong, didn’t you? What made you think this would make me happy? What made you think twisting the knife would make me happy, Danny?”
Danny leans back, taken aback by the strength of Steve’s words. Steve himself didn’t expect them, the words flowing out of him in an unusual show of pain and anger.
“Steve -”
“I am trying to accept this, Danny! I am trying really hard to wrap my life around all of this, around this injury and all these things I can’t do anymore, and I’m finally getting around accepting that I won’t be surfing anymore, that this is not happening because my legs will never function again, and you -”
Danny stands up, anger flowing through his movements too, now, his face pinched as he flails around.
“I wanted to give you a chance to get some closure! To see what you can achieve, with or without your legs! I worked really hard on this, okay, and so did Mamo, and we only did it for you!”
Steve’s nostrils flare as he tips up his chin, his anger fueled by how helpless he feels.
“Did I ask you to do this for me? I can fend for myself, Danny.”
“Fuck’s sake, this is not the point! I did this because - because I love you, okay, and I want to see you surf, and I want to hear you laugh. Not because I think you’re pathetic and can’t do things for yourself.”
The words hit Steve square in the chest, like a kick straight into his ribs, his lungs, his heart. He can’t breathe, and he can’t think. He needs to be able to think.
“I need to go.”
Steve wheels his chair around and leaves Danny’s apartment, his hands trembling when he hauls himself into his car.
;;
It’s a few more days before Steve confronts Mamo. He has barely left his own house, running over and over the angry words and look on Danny’s face, hopeful, happy, excited, turning angry, disappointed, hurt. Yet Steve can’t get past his own anger.
When he makes his way to his board repair shop, he sees Mamo standing at the door, waiting for him. He must have seen Steve park his car. The sight of him makes Steve somehow so sad and disappointed he feels himself slump forward, looking away.
“Steve, hey.”
Steve doesn’t reply, the search for his keys allowing him to look away from Mamo.
“Look, kid, you’re angry, I get that. But we should talk.”
“I’m not your charity case, Mamo. Is that why you’ve been helping me, from the beginning? Because you pity me, and think I need it? Fuck both of you. I don’t need your help, or your charity. I’m fine.”
Mamo sighs, looking at Steve like he used to look at his own daughter when she misbehaved - Steve remembers her from when they were kids. Mamo told Steve she moved to the Big Island years ago and is teaching chemistry to twelve-year-olds. And now he’s looking at Steve with that same, slightly exasperated look, fondness in his eyes anyway. Steve wants to be even angrier at him for it, but he can’t bring himself to.
“Steve, this event is going to take place, with or without you. Maybe it started because of you, and maybe it was a mistake to keep it from you until now. But this day is going to get kids who can’t walk on surfboards. They’re going to get adults back on boards. It could get you back in the water. This is not about you not wanting to do it, this is about your pride, and I think you need to shelve it before you ruin the best thing that’s happened to you since your accident.”
Steve wants to throw back that he's gotten back in the water since his accident, that he’s gotten exactly what he needs from it, but the pride comment hits Steve straight, sending him reeling and thinking. Maybe it is, maybe it’s a consequence of feeling so fragile and needing Danny when he doesn’t want to, when he needs to be his own man.
The words still feel like shards of glass through his skin, shredding his composure and his anger. Mamo gives him a look, something like sympathy and annoyance thrown together in his gentle eyes.
“We don’t think you’re a charity case, Steve. I’ve been helping you because I want to. Because you’re a good kid, and you deserve to have a good life. Maybe if you didn’t think of yourself as a charity case, you’d realize that all Danny and I want is for you to be happy.”
Steve lifts his chin, looking at Mamo defiantly for a moment, before he deflates, seeing the sincerity in Mamo’s eyes. It still feels like betrayal, like a wound reopened when it’s healing, and Steve can’t seem to get past it.
Maybe he will. Just not yet.
;;
Steve looks up from the board he’s waxing to see Alan climb out of his car, pushing his cap tighter over his head as he walks towards Steve’s little board shop.
“Yo, McGarrett.”
“Hey. You here to give me a spanking? Because I’ve been lectured enough in the past week and a half. Don’t need more of it.”
Alan holds up his hands, trying to be the picture of innocence and slightly failing. Steve puts the board on a rack, rubbing his hands against his shorts.
“No lecture, buddy. Just wanted to see how you were doing.”
“I’m just fine.” Steve hauls another board onto his work table, running his hands over it to check the dings, marking them with a pencil. He’s not fine - he’s slowly getting back into a normal relationship with Mamo, if only because they see each other every day and Mamo is nothing but persistent, but Steve hasn’t seen Danny since their fight, and he’s starting to feel like the biggest idiot on the island because of it.
“Yeah, you look it. You been sleeping lately?”
“Yes.”
“The more tired you are the worse of a liar you become. Okay. If you’re not talking to Danny, and you’re not talking to Mamo, will you at least talk to me?”
Steve lets out a breath, his hands on the board. Its owner has done a job on this one, it’s going to take the rest of the afternoon for Steve to polish it back to perfect condition.
“There’s nothing to say, Alan.”
“Really? Why do you look so miserable, then?”
“Because my - because Danny thinks I’m this charity case that needs help.”
Alan sits on the cooler next to Steve, leaning his chin on the work table after pushing the surfboard away a little. Steve almost smiles.
“Now, tell me, does Danny think of you that way, or do you think Danny thinks of you that way?”
Steve clenches his jaw. He knows this is the heart of the problem, this is him being irrationally angry and refusing to let up because of his pride. He’s losing Danny, and it’s starting to sound really, frighteningly stupid.
“You think I should talk to him.”
Alan nods. “I think you should talk to him. But it’s not my decision.”
Steve presses his lips together. “Yeah.”
;;
Steve wheels himself to the edge of the crowd, looking at the number of people there, most of them sitting around, enjoying the sunshine, clapping when a kid crests a wave. There are a few wheelchairs here and there empty, men and women walking around in wetsuits, carrying children and adults from the water to their chairs and back.
The boards they’re using have a rack which those with spinal cord injuries hold on to as they ride waves, and the smiles and laughter make Steve’s heart beat faster. He had no idea there was this many people like him in the city, and somehow he finds it reassuring.
Steve twists his hands together over his lap as he looks at the scene before him, seeing so many kids laughing as they play around in the water in a way they probably haven’t been able to do since their accident. How could he want to deny them, and himself, this?
He freezes when he sees Danny, carrying a little girl in his arms as he emerges from the water. They’re chatting excitedly, the little girl using her arms in a very Danny-like way to expand on whatever story she’s telling Danny, and he laughs, helping her dry her legs before he deposits her back in her chair. She gives him a kiss on the cheek and Danny grins, making Steve smile despite himself.
He’s not expecting Danny to look up and see him, but somehow this happens, and Danny stares at Steve for a moment through the crowd before he starts walking closer, still clad in a wetsuit, with drops of water falling down from the tips of his hair to the sides of his face, his nose slightly red from being in the sun for a while. He looks - breathtaking, for a lack of a better word, and Steve doesn’t know what to do with himself when Danny stops in front of him, his face carefully neutral despite a storm of feelings in his eyes.
“I take it you’ve changed your mind.”
“I didn’t know you’d be - a part of it. Helping people in the water.”
Danny shrugs, running a hand through his hair, looking almost sheepish for a second. This wasn’t what Steve wanted to say, but he’s never been good with words, never been able to express himself the way he wanted to; his high school essays had always been disasters.
“Well, I helped plan it, I thought I’d have some fun, too.”
Steve nods, looking down at his hands to see he’s gripping his thighs hard, and he lets go before his fingers cramp up. Danny sighs.
“What are you doing here, Steve?”
Steve wants to carefully plan his reply to that question, but in the end he blurts out the first thing he can think of, looking up at Danny with desperation in how he’s leaning forward.
“I’m sorry, Danny. I’m sorry. I fucked up. I got scared, and I pushed you away, and it wasn’t fair. I convinced myself I was just a burden to you, and you deserved better.”
Danny takes a sharp breath at that, taking a step closer.
“What made you think you’re not good enough? Look at me, I’m a cop with an ex-wife and a kid, and I hate this place on my best days. I’ve got baggage, too, Steve - it’s different but it’s baggage. I don’t care if your legs don’t work, and I don’t mind helping you when you need it.”
“I don’t care you’ve got an ex-wife and a kid. I actually like your kid a lot.”
Danny kneels in front of Steve, his fingers closing around handfuls of Steve’s shorts. Steve’s own hands shake a little as he refrains from touching Danny, not sure that he’s earned the right just yet.
“She’s missed you, you know? I miss you. And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about this from the start. I should have.”
“I’m sorry I went off on you. And thank you for doing this.”
There are more words playing through Steve’s head, but he can’t quite get them out, not here and now, with so many people walking around them, even if they’re not paying attention. Steve runs his fingers through Danny’s hair, brushing his thumb along his cheekbone, and Danny smiles turning a little to rub his nose against the length of Steve’s thumb.
“Hey, you’re welcome.”
;;
Steve surfs again.
They wait until most people have vacated the beach, until the sun is mostly down and the lights of the city are illuminating the water, to get one of the special boards. Danny offers his help to get Steve in the water but Steve politely declines, getting himself on the stick and paddling away, Danny swimming next to him until they’re far off enough.
Danny smiles, asks, “You’re ready?” and Steve nods, his stomach rolling with anticipation. And then he’s paddling up and Danny is keeping the board steady as Steve reaches the lip of the wave, holding onto the rail along the nose of the board, feeling himself gliding and it’s like flying, it’s like he’s doing it again, free and light and amazing, and Steve starts laughing, salt water in his eyes and on his lips and he’s going so fast, he’s cresting the wave and he’s on top of the fucking world.
He’s close to giggling like a five year-old as the wave dies down under them, and Danny swims around the board to look at Steve, his own face lit up with the lights of the city and a huge grin. Steve sobers up, reaching out for Danny, a hand around the back of his neck, pulling him in, and the kiss tastes of sea salt and something so deeply Danny Steve shivers, closes his fingers around Danny’s on the board. When Danny pulls away, he rests his forehead against Steve’s, and grins.
;;
The moon is in the right shape, right place. Steve looks up at it from his vantage point, the sounds around him quiet; soft laps of the water against his surfboard, tired bird noises, a gentle breeze through leaves and his hair. If he turned his head he’d be able to see his wheelchair, the brown fluffy towel draped over its arms, just at the edge of the water. He doesn’t turn his head, keeps his eyes on the moon, the stars around it, shining so brightly they burn, a counterpoint to the freshness of the water where his fingers are brushing it.
All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on, Steve thinks to the world and no one in particular. He lets himself float about for a while, his fingers grazing the water, flashes of cold against his skin, keeping him alert.
When he does turn his head towards the shore, Danny’s there, sitting in the sand next to Steve’s wheelchair, the towel wrapped around his shoulders. Something twists in Steve’s stomach, a knot of warmth and possibilities, and Danny raises a hand, waves. Steve smiles. Yeah - he’s getting there.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2011-09-27 03:33 pm (UTC)Most of all, of course, I totally loved the progress in the friendship~relationship between Steve & Danny!
:D
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Date: 2011-09-27 03:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-27 04:04 pm (UTC)thanks so much for sharing this - I definitely need to save it for a reread on my Kindle *g*
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Date: 2011-09-27 04:05 pm (UTC)I posted it on AO3 if you want it in Kindle format ^_^.
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Date: 2011-09-27 04:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-27 05:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-27 06:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-27 06:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-27 06:38 pm (UTC)It is so well done and some of the words you use: ''he speeds through the floor and bumps into walls, gets tangled in the cable and for a minute he can hear his own laughter floating in the air like a ghost.'' Just amazingly beautiful.
This made me smile and cry - it's just so wonderfully written and extremey moving. Thankyou! (Sorry for the essay.:)
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Date: 2011-09-27 06:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-27 06:52 pm (UTC)Thanks for sharing this!
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Date: 2011-09-27 07:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-27 07:04 pm (UTC)This was a success.
The best thing? I could see the waves and the ocean through Steve's eyes and that blew me away.
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Date: 2011-09-27 07:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-27 08:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-27 08:08 pm (UTC)Steve and Danny, completely inevitable!
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Date: 2011-09-27 08:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-27 08:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-27 08:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-27 08:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-27 09:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-28 08:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-27 09:44 pm (UTC)::blinks again::
I think I got something in my eye. Both eyes.
This was truly gorgeous, hon, I'm so glad I read it! Steve's struggles are very real and honest, and the joy at the end, his realization that all this just might work, it's wonderful and yet still acknowledges how much more work he needs to do. It's all very powerful and utterly beautiful. I was very moved by it. Thank you for sharing this.
Also, big hearts to Danny, and their great big love. Everyone was perfectly written in this, I swear.
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Date: 2011-09-28 08:10 am (UTC)I am so glad you liked it! I know it's not your thing so much so I am honoured *bows*. Thank you so much!
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Date: 2011-09-27 10:43 pm (UTC)Steve, Danno, Grace, Mamo, Chin, all of them are wonderful.
Thanks for shared girl. REALLY, THANKSS!!!!
P.D: Would you give me your permission to translate it into spanish?, will be for the h50community in spanish, can you let me trasnlate your fic?? PLEASE, IBEG YOU. We don´t have many fics right now because the community is new. And i wanted to share your fic, because is great!!!
Please, answer and thanks in advence. A BIG HUG for you!!!
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Date: 2011-09-28 08:21 am (UTC)As for the translation, I'm honoured you want to do this. If you want to, and keep the credit, then I don't see why not! So go ahead :).
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2011-09-27 11:12 pm (UTC)HGJDSGHDKJHFKGHKHDSGSKHDFKJHLS
MY EMOTIONS, MY EMOTIONS
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Date: 2011-09-28 08:21 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2011-09-27 11:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-28 08:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-27 11:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-28 08:23 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2011-09-28 08:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-28 12:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-28 03:00 am (UTC)danny has a big great heart and my heart feel warm when I saw Danny made steve smiled like that .
Thanks for sharing this!!!(^_^)
Ps:I'm sorry that there must be lots of mistakes in my sentances，English is not my first language ,but I study hard on it now.(；´Д`A
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
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Date: 2011-09-28 03:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-28 08:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-28 03:29 am (UTC)Everything and everyone so real and true throughout, the snapshots you chose to show us interlocking into a whole so truly beautiful and tender and hopeful.
I can tell you right now that if you ever do that timestamp meme again? I'll be requesting SCI!Steve like whoa! Much love for this one! ♥♥♥
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Date: 2011-09-28 08:32 am (UTC)I probably will do it again XD. To be fair I have ideas for codas/a sequel already, it's kind of freaking me out ^_^.
♥ thank you so much! For the rec, too =D
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Date: 2011-09-28 05:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-28 08:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-28 08:22 am (UTC)Steve was just so lost and broken with so much despair and his struggles were so painful to read. That final scene where he finally surfs and starts laughing from the sheer joy of it was very powerful and you wrote it with a wonderfully delicate touch.
Beautiful work.
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Date: 2011-09-28 08:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-28 09:21 am (UTC)You have a few typos...
It’s a charity event, a day for spinal cord injury victims to get to surf. Steve pulls the laptop closed.
Should maybe be "close"? Otherwise, "pushed the laptop closed", if that was the intention?
That's the only one I could remember clearly where it was--they're no big deal though, just something hard to notice in something you've written yourself. :)
Thanks so much for writing & sharing. I've been reading a lot of H50 fic, and while I like a LOT of the fic posted, it's nice to see something longer. Please keep writing!
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Date: 2011-09-28 09:25 am (UTC)Thanks for that, I'll check - I had betas on this, but nobody's perfect! I'm glad you enjoyed it :).
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2011-09-28 12:40 pm (UTC)When I finished the piece, I thought, "Oh maybe she'll revisit this AU at some point." These are definitely characters I'd l love to catch up with again!
no subject
Date: 2011-09-28 12:48 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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