Writing blabbers and all the words

[delicatale]

I want to be a writer. I want to be able to say "I'm a writer". Once upon a time I wanted to be J.K. Rowling - not for the fame, but for the talent, and for the love she cultured and grew with her fans and HP fans.

I still want to write the story, the one that moves and gets people all over writing about it. In a smaller scale, in fandom, I want to write that story that people remember, that makes people feel, laugh, cry, want, cherish. I want to be special, to be unique at this.

As it is, I'm not. I'm an average fanfiction writer, and I know what I'm doing but I've not been trained on it - I go with my gut, and sometimes it's enough, but I feel like it could be so much more, I want it to be so much more. I want to learn about it, make myself better at it, maybe someone a little special, a little unique.

A while ago, I toyed with the idea of doing this course, but quickly had to put the idea in a little box and hide it under the rest of my life, pretend I could forget about it, because thing is - I can't afford it. As much as I want to do it, I'm in this stage in life where I have bills to pay and a need for material things and travels that keep me from saving a lot of money. I know I could do it, but at the moment it's too hard, and too disheartening, and I simply refuse to lean on my family for this. My parents cannot afford it any more than I do, and I'm too attached to my monetary independence, so fucking hard-earned.

So, that's out of the question for the moment. But it doesn't mean I have to give up, right? It doesn't mean I failed this, too. As I told sirona_gs this morning, words are the only thing that really have stuck with me through my whole life. I've never been good at anything in particular. I tried music and failed, I tried science and failed, I tried design and failed. But my words, even though I have a hard time expressing myself so often, my words have always been there. And they've not always been good, but I've been shaping them, and myself, for so long now, they're part of my very being, they're part of how I let go of feelings I can't quite express, they're helping me go through my life, day by day, by being this outlet, private or not, this place where I can just pour myself out into characters and their lives.

My words are the only that I've never failed. When I was bullied in high school, I wrote emo, angsty stories that nobody ever would ever read, but it helped. When I lost my first important boyfriend, I wrote a song that a dear friend of mine then took and put melody to and sung, just for me, a little recording over a computer mic, something special and private to the two of us. When I first discovered fandom, it was an escape to a life I hated, into the life of characters that didn't necessarily have it better, but had the courage to do something about it.

And I think that's how it began - the dream to be able to do this, to create something that could bring people together, make them feel better about their own lives, find friends that mean more than words can say. That's why I wanted to be J.K. Rowling, too.

It's like - a reason to go on, right? I want to do this. I want to get better, to get amazing, above average and nothing special, just one author in a midst of authors. I want to push myself and make myself this special, unique person. And, okay, I can't afford taking a class just now, but I can buy a book and help myself, can't I? So I have. Maybe it won't change anything, but at least it's a start.

And you know what? This discovery, and this work I'm doing on myself, to get some balls and get to what I want, I owe it to you guys. I owe it to theellibu and stjarna1984, my two best friends, that are more of an inspiration to me than they'll ever realise, and I owe it to sirona_gs, and to tailoredshirt, and the rest of you, because you make me want to write you the best stories and surpass myself, time and time again.

Comments

[tailoredshirt.livejournal.com]

I was gonna say, just buy a book on writing! Whenever I read about writing, it always makes me want to go write immediately, and just keep getting better. It also tends to make me put my ego aside and not care what people think, which is for me the hardest part of writing and sharing my writing. I think I told you once, the best place I've ever been, writing-wise, was about a year ago when I dropped out of fandom for a bit (like two weeks lakdj) and read books about writing. I feel like there's this myth that people are born with natural writing talent and it's all instinctive and you don't have to learn anything, and I think it's true that a lot of writing is instinctive (mostly with avid readers) and some people have natural talent, but so much of it is hard-fought skill. At that time last year, I finally just came to the conclusion that I was a bad writer and that's okay. I didn't feel down on myself, it was just a realization that I wasn't the greatest thing since sliced bread and that I had loads of room to improve if I'd let myself, and god, it was so freeing. I could just write whatever the fuck I wanted and it didn't matter, as long as it made me happy and I was trying my best. And as a result I feel like I've done my best writing over the last year, mostly because I just let myself write in the style that works best for me instead of the style I was trying to emulate in other writers I admire.

I hope that book works for you and helps. I also recommend, like about 8 million other people probably will, Annie Lamott's Bird By Bird, because it's funny and inspiring and unpretentious, which I love.

[kitmerlot1213.livejournal.com]

Good for you for wanting to explore this amazing gift you have and for wanting to keep improving--YEAH! :)

[finduilas-clln.livejournal.com]

I'm an average fanfiction writer

Honestly? You are WAY above average. I only wish I could write like you!

[thegrrrl2002.livejournal.com]

I think you are a fabulous writer and I love the stories you tell. You already are pretty darn special.

That stinks about not being able to afford to take that course. Are there any writer's workshops out there you can participate in? Because you ARE a writer. Something like a short workshop might be less expensive than a full course. The way to get better is to keep on writing, which is exactly what you are doing. Yay you!

[gothikmaus.livejournal.com]

I think a lot of fanfic writers (and writers in general) feel the same way. I know I do! We all want people to love our stories and remember them long after they've read them.

I write for a tiny local magazine in my free time and I can't deny I always feel insanely proud when someone tells me "Oh, you're the one who writes on the newspaper? I love your articles!" I mean, I know my articles are nothing special and I'm not planning on becoming a full-time journalist anytime soon, but I'm using this opportunity to improve my writing skills (and to stroke my ego a little, it feels good to see one's name printed in a magazine, even if it's just a tiny local one).

[verasteine.livejournal.com]

You know, I don't think any amount of money could have bought the sort of training my fandom betas put me through. In fact, the one thing I look for in a beta is the ability to say, "no, honey, this sucks". I've worked with betas that tried to be nice, but for me, that doesn't work. I don't want to sound too conceited, but you know, if you ever need a beta to give you the seriously critical once over, I'm game. I have references, if you need them :).

Aside from that, it takes time, and I think you do pretty well already. And I know the feeling, because I got published this year for the first time, and man, nothing beats that.

[evening-spirit.livejournal.com]

You're not average in fandom. In fact you're everything but. Your name is recognizable. And you know, I think every writer out there has that same dream. I know I do. I want people to go all 0.0 because I posted a fic or a new chapter or something but they don't. While they do with you; just look at all the comments. I think you are in tune with what people expect, what they want to read about. A little emo, spot-on characterization, words that flow. I'm not really sure what it is. Wish I did, wish I had instinct like yours, maybe I could find my own recipe for 'recognizability' then. ;)
Do I envy you? Yes, I do. :) But with lots of sympathy.

[perspi.livejournal.com]

Oh, sweetie, you ARE a writer, and a damned fine one! And I applaud you for wanting to get better, always--like Vera said above, our fic experience -- especially with betas! -- helps immensely, but so does learning about writing in other ways.

I'm not finished with it yet, but I love Stephen King (although his writing ability is...controversial, in literary circles, I think...), and his 'On Writing' is fabulous. It kind of boils down to his advice being, "Write. Every day. Just do it, and voila! YOU ARE A WRITER!" but it's more than that, and it's a good read, and makes me want to write all the things, too. :D

[imaginarycircus.livejournal.com]

I decided somewhere along the way that I was always going to feel like a fraud when I say I am a writer. So I just say, "I write." Because I do. And it makes me much more comfortable.

[somehowunbroken]

You're good at words, my dear. They're not easy, and they can be fickle, but you have a way with them, there's no denying it. ♥

[gunslingaaahhh.livejournal.com]

ive been writing the same story for almost 10 years now; started it, had about 40pgs, hid it away for a while and then scrapped most if not all of it when i found it again.

its got new life, when i can think of anything to say.

you want to be jk rowling, i want to be stephen king. who says we cant do that? i think we can. i think we can all help each other reach those goals in some form. you start writing, get some stuff down, ill help you tweak it. editing/proofing is what i want to do for a living, as well as write, so im always hear to lend an additional eye.

<3